OK, I Feel Like I Need To Make A List Because The Point Of This Whole Tumblr Was To Stay On Track And

Day 2:

What do you need more of in your life?

Based on recent reflections, I really feel like my life could use more independent adventure. There is so much that I have held back from because I feel too embarrassed to do it on my own and I want to change that.

I want to be more adventurous and I am tired of waiting around for people to do things when all I need is myself. I refuse to live in solitary because the mean little voices in my head are telling me people are silently judging me.

So, this will be a list of things I need and need to do in my life:

Kayaking.

Go to a concert.

Bike ride.

Visit a national park.

Go to the beach.

Get a tattoo.

Travel to a different city.

Go camping.

Go on a cruise.

Visit a bookstore.

This is just a small list of things that I want to get to one day but I will be adding to this list and scratching off as the year goes on. I feel like in order to stay more accountable I will be writing a brief text post about the experience.

Source details and larger version.

Connecting the dots: constellations in the skies of old.

Day 14:

What do you minimize about yourself? What do you flaunt?

Since I am fatter than most people, I try to minimize myself in several ways. I try not to take up too much space but always end up failing. When I am on a plane, I will make myself uncomfortable by squeezing my arms in so that I do not touch the person next to me. Id I am in a car, I will do the same but scooch as close to the door as possible. If I am in a crowded place, in an elevator, on the sidewalk, etc.

It is so subconscious at this point that I do not realize even doing it. It truly was not until this question that I realized I was making myself uncomfortable so that my bigness would not offend or bother anyone around me.

What I flaunt is more of a difficult question because it is so much easier to think of the negative than the positive. But I think that I am at a place in my life where I will proudly (kinda but I'll explain later) flaunt my height. I love wearing heels and I love going out and peering over a group because with heels I am about 6 feet tall. BUt the only time I feel self-conscious about my height is when a guy I am talking to is shorter than me in heels. And I KNOW that I shouldn't care but it is still a stigma that has stuck to me that will take some time to unlearn.

Write an apology letter to yourself.

Dear Me,

I am sorry for what you have been through. I am sorry for the pain that you have had to endure. I am sorry that life has dulled your spark.

But most of all, I am sorry for how long it has taken me to forgive myself. I have been so hard on myself and for what? I mean, look at me! Despite it all, I am still here.

You joke about your trauma to make it easier but it is still trauma. Be kind to yourself and let everything fall in to place. You are a survivor who is trying their best despite the odds they have been given. It is time to be soft and delicate and to stop scrapping with life.

You are made of gold and diamonds and you are not glass. You might fall under pressure but you always rise to the challenge.

Do not let this world continue to ruin your beautiful heart. You love so wholeheartedly and I am so proud of that despite everything we have been through. Despite everything you have witnessed growing up.

We got this and I forgive me for using my past as an excuse at every step in my life. It is time to grow up and realize that yes, you have been dealt shitty cards but it will not always be that way. Start a new game or fold and move on but do not let it continue to drag you down. Stop being weighed down by the past.

Your dad was an angry man who you have let affect you all your life but he is dead now and you are here. Your mom is an alcoholic who regrets so many of her choices but she is not you. I am made of both of my parents but I do not have to be like them. I am so much better than them.

Learn and move on but stop making excuses.

Love,

Me.

What are your self-sabotaging habits?

After MUCH self-reflection, I have realized that I have several things that I do that have led to me sabotaging myself. I doubt myself at every turn, I compare myself to other, and I never follow through for many things.

And if that isn't the holy trinity of a sure way to fail, I don't know what is.

For some reason, every time I start to think of the future or even think of starting a relationship with someone, doubt is the first thing that creeps into my mind. There's a really good job that I want to transition to? NOPE, they would never hire me. You really want to be in a relationship with that guy you really like? NOPE, he is only using you and wants someone skinnier. I don't know why my brain is set up to automatically put me down but that is something I am unlearning. As soon as any inkling of self-doubt starts creeping in I try to nip it in the bud. Because the first thing you learn when manifesting is that there should be no doubt, whatever I want is already mine. Why wouldn't I be able to start a new job? They would be lucky to have someone with so many transferable skills. Why wouldn't a man I am talking to want to get in a relationship? They would be lucky to have someone like me with so much love to give.

Something else I have had to unlearn is to stop comparing myself to others. I was busy trying to survive and I'm finally at a place where I know I can do so much more with my life. I love my friends and family and want nothing but the best for them but I find myself wishing I was at the same place in life they're currently at. Or even seeing someone on the street and wishing I looked like them. Comparison is the root of all my evils and I'm trying my best to celebrate myself everyday instead of trying to fix myself. I have many flaws but I am perfect the way I am. I would not change anything about me because it made me the person I am today. I am so much more compassionate, loving, and understanding because of the live I have been dealt and I am better for it.

Finally, another habit I am trying to break is building positive habits and actually sticking to them. Like eating healthier, keeping my spaces clean, keeping up with schoolwork, or even working out consistently. These are all things I have struggled with in the past but I am determined to be different this year. I am only 31 and I have so much life left and I don't want to spend it wondering "what if?" I had just stuck to my goals. Because "what if it all works out?"

pie pngs ♡

Day 8:

What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?

Hate is such a strong word and I feel like there is so very little that I hate but if I had to categorize something, it would be the fact that people choose to hate others. What I am referring to is when people hate people who have to get abortions, people who are going through the journey of transition, people who fall in love with the same sex, or just people who choose to use their religion to spew hate.

I am in no way saying that people should all think one way because that would be ridiculous but at some point we have to stop letting hate rule our lives. If it is not hurting others, animals, or objectively morally wrong, I believe people should just be able to live their lives how they choose.

As for what that says about me, I think it just means that I am open-minded and mind my business, in general. There are always new things that I am learning every day and I will stumble every once in a while but I will never let hate ruin my heart. It is so toxic and I refuse to be someone that people dread to be around.

Heart Frog and Butterfly Frog by Nat Power.

Day 5:

In what ways are you inauthentic?

In most parts of my life, to be quite honest. There is so much that I put a front on for or just flat out lie about that sometimes it becomes too much. I lie about money, I lie about how I’m doing, and I lie about how I feel about myself and others.

Most days I agree to things because I don’t like the feeling of being left out but I literally can’t afford it. I’m too embarrassed to admit that I’m struggling right now. I need to start saying no.

I lie about how other actions don’t affect me. I lie because I don’t want them to know how much they’ve hurt me. My emotions have always been a touchy subject for me and that is something that I am working on as well. I need to learn how to express myself in a healthy way.