🦋

I always get such a specific set of feelings when it comes to cooking, like YES I am actively choosing to perform this task for other people and feel nothing but the utmost, absolute when it comes out well; as far as service is concerned, cooking is something I hold very near and dear to myself

Was thinking a bit on main this morning about how my kin identity can be used as a litmus test regarding whether or not I feel like someone can fully respect me.

On a surface level, it's almost silly, oh it's this guy? The butterfly that cried glitter and screamed all the time, who was awful and mean and nasty towards the end? Well, yes. That is indeed the surface level of this, I saw everything he did that make people cringe, and yet there was still that element of resonance. Once I feel like the more jokey part of this is accepted, that's when I feel I can pull the curtains back and begin to show some of the psychological horror that underlies this.

To show what I've discussed in therapy, to talk about how a large theme of my connection is the idea of servitude and how I was forced into that position for my family, how I wasn't able to form an identity outside of this predetermined role and how I was to perform it to the best of my ability, and how any deviation was punished, to the point where I held these standards to myself and would pull myself apart when I couldn't meet them. To show how deep this truly runs carries a certain type of despair, not necessarily for myself, but to really show someone else what this means to me and how it is such a vital part of myself.

It's for sure a certain type of intimacy, it puts me in a vulnerable position on every front; on the surface I could be made fun of, in which case I laugh along and maybe even retract a statement or two, and on a deeper level it blows my trauma wide open and exposes a lot of the most damaging things I experienced. It's an odd place to be, but I'm not upset by it. People who are aware of it don't necessarily bring it up unless I talk about it, which in and of itself is a rare occasion. That stands in comparison with actually seeing myself be called Shai, something which only one person has done, and it has delighted me to no end.

I feel that the odder aspects of myself need to be things that will be met with respect. As someone who grew up trans, queer, and neurodivergent, I've been seeking that kind of respect for quite some time. When it does come, it's almost always from those who share a trait with me. I enjoy the bonding, and of course enjoy the respect, but I just wish it was something more easily seen; to just grant someone in the margins respect and decency.

Livre de la Vigne nostre Seigneur; France, 15th century; Bodleian Library, MS. Douce 134, f. 49v

Icon update! I wanted an icon that reflects how I've become much more comfortable in my identity 💖

With an edit where the hair more closely resembles my own:

I'm so interested, seems like fragments usually only encompass one emotion or event but he has multiple! I feel him in shame and guilt, but also in pride and competence, in achievement and childlike wonder in the world. He has some of his own memories, thoughts and feelings in the world, so he seems more complex than a fragment but less so than a fictive or any osdd alter.

Truthfully, it feels like so intensely that love is at the core of it all. I loved him so much that he become a permanent protector for me, helping me process my feelings and directing my attention to where it's needed most. Love is the overarching theme of my recovery and this is so fitting to see of him.

I don't know if I'll find a true label for him, and that's certainly okay. I love him, I love seeing how he views the world, and I'm glad to have that shared with me. That tattoo of his wings means I'll carry him with me forever, and I could not feel more honored to do so.

Oh this is my blog! I can put insects here!

@classicaldreams

𝓜.

Some techkin lingo 💚

You’re tired and need to rest?

You need to be plugged in and recharge or your low on battery

You’re sick?

You have a virus

You’re taking daily medication/meds because you’re sick?

You’re initiating anti-virus software

You’re taking awhile to think abt smthn?

You’re loading or your processing speed is slow

You’re hot?

Your system is overheating/your fans are on high drive

You’re super full after eating? / you can’t take in any more information abt something?

Your storage is full

You’re sleeping?

Your system is restarting/initiating an update

Among others :)) reblog and put ur suggestions!

I've been thinking about gender this morning and realize that pouf played a decent role in me figuring out exactly where I am in terms of how I feel about masculinity.

As a trans man, I don't really often see men who look like me; I especially don't see men like me because I'm not planning on medical transition. Of course, I'm not disparaging those who seek it out - that's wonderful! I'm so glad that there are options for those who have debilitating dysphoria, but I personally only suffer from it on a social level. I rarely feel it otherwise, and this is the choice I feel most comfortable with. However, this comes at the cost of rarely ever seeing men like myself; practically every trans man I see is either post-transition, or is planning to do so.

And I can now say that this is what struck me so much about this character, that he had so many stereotypically feminine traits, but was still clearly recognized as a man. That we had similar body types, similar mannerisms and means of expression. It was around then that I began to play with masculine pronouns and realized how much I enjoyed them; my most comfortable and conforming outfits ended up being semi-formal wear. I can push androgyny if I really try, but the only way to be consistently read as masculine would be to cut my hair, which I refuse to do at this point. I'd had nearly buzzed hair at one point, but find I like my shoulder length hair much better.

I'm actutely aware of how the butterfly is coded as a "feminine" insect, and that was also something that initially drew me to him. I'd never seen butterflies associated with masculinity, and to this day I haven't seen anything quite like him. He really pushed me farther along in my transition than I think I would've achieved otherwise.

ur a <stranger> - WILLOW

Night Shfit - Lucy Dacus

Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away) - HEALTH (cover)

Unloved - HEALTH

Church Outfit - Poppy

Doooshiyoooo!! - Tempalay

Imperial Girl - R Sound Design

Round Trip - 36g

Dramaturgy - Eve

Torinoko City - 40m-P

Bonfires - Blue Foundation

She's Lost Control - Joy Division

3AM-Alternative Root - Madoi the Maid

Help Me (Tsunawatari) - Hako Yamasaki

Let's discuss.

Interesting playlist development in not just including quieter music and synthpop but also including alt rock and post punk