Strongly Thinking About This When I Experienced A Very Strong Shift When I Was Dusting While Listening

Was thinking a bit on main this morning about how my kin identity can be used as a litmus test regarding whether or not I feel like someone can fully respect me.

On a surface level, it's almost silly, oh it's this guy? The butterfly that cried glitter and screamed all the time, who was awful and mean and nasty towards the end? Well, yes. That is indeed the surface level of this, I saw everything he did that make people cringe, and yet there was still that element of resonance. Once I feel like the more jokey part of this is accepted, that's when I feel I can pull the curtains back and begin to show some of the psychological horror that underlies this.

To show what I've discussed in therapy, to talk about how a large theme of my connection is the idea of servitude and how I was forced into that position for my family, how I wasn't able to form an identity outside of this predetermined role and how I was to perform it to the best of my ability, and how any deviation was punished, to the point where I held these standards to myself and would pull myself apart when I couldn't meet them. To show how deep this truly runs carries a certain type of despair, not necessarily for myself, but to really show someone else what this means to me and how it is such a vital part of myself.

It's for sure a certain type of intimacy, it puts me in a vulnerable position on every front; on the surface I could be made fun of, in which case I laugh along and maybe even retract a statement or two, and on a deeper level it blows my trauma wide open and exposes a lot of the most damaging things I experienced. It's an odd place to be, but I'm not upset by it. People who are aware of it don't necessarily bring it up unless I talk about it, which in and of itself is a rare occasion. That stands in comparison with actually seeing myself be called Shai, something which only one person has done, and it has delighted me to no end.

I feel that the odder aspects of myself need to be things that will be met with respect. As someone who grew up trans, queer, and neurodivergent, I've been seeking that kind of respect for quite some time. When it does come, it's almost always from those who share a trait with me. I enjoy the bonding, and of course enjoy the respect, but I just wish it was something more easily seen; to just grant someone in the margins respect and decency.

Oh this is my blog! I can put insects here!

Such a challenge for me to like posts I see in the alterhuman tags because this is only a side blog - on my main I refer to myself as a kinnie in a playful manner and it doesn't seem genuine until you see this blog or the tags I use on my main

Night Scene at Sumida River   -    Kobayashi Kiyochika , 1930.

Japanese ,  1847-1915

Woodblock, 10 1/8 x 7 ½ in.

Was browsing the witchcraft-themed items at my local spirit halloween and they remind me so much of when I used to be an active practitioner when I was younger. While I don't do so now, I do wish I was more in touch with my spirituality and metaphysics that come with it, it all makes me want to light my candles and pull out my tarot deck.

"What reminds you of home?" Chores and cleaning, evidently.

Forming a relationship with myself, through someone else

Oh, is it happening again?

Sunset Daggerwing (𝑀𝑎𝑟𝑝𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑎 𝑓𝑢𝑟𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑎), family Nymphalidae, Colombia

photograph by Michael Garcia

I've been thinking about gender this morning and realize that pouf played a decent role in me figuring out exactly where I am in terms of how I feel about masculinity.

As a trans man, I don't really often see men who look like me; I especially don't see men like me because I'm not planning on medical transition. Of course, I'm not disparaging those who seek it out - that's wonderful! I'm so glad that there are options for those who have debilitating dysphoria, but I personally only suffer from it on a social level. I rarely feel it otherwise, and this is the choice I feel most comfortable with. However, this comes at the cost of rarely ever seeing men like myself; practically every trans man I see is either post-transition, or is planning to do so.

And I can now say that this is what struck me so much about this character, that he had so many stereotypically feminine traits, but was still clearly recognized as a man. That we had similar body types, similar mannerisms and means of expression. It was around then that I began to play with masculine pronouns and realized how much I enjoyed them; my most comfortable and conforming outfits ended up being semi-formal wear. I can push androgyny if I really try, but the only way to be consistently read as masculine would be to cut my hair, which I refuse to do at this point. I'd had nearly buzzed hair at one point, but find I like my shoulder length hair much better.

I'm actutely aware of how the butterfly is coded as a "feminine" insect, and that was also something that initially drew me to him. I'd never seen butterflies associated with masculinity, and to this day I haven't seen anything quite like him. He really pushed me farther along in my transition than I think I would've achieved otherwise.