I Must Say, Being Involved With The Kin Community On A Genuine Level Is Still Something I Value, But

It's been a bit since I've last spoken here, and I have a lot of things I want to say.

After some very careful consideration, I think I can safely say that my feelings regarding kinning were actually the manifestation of myself coping with a dissociative condition I otherwise didn't know how to describe. This was the closest approximation I could come up with that made sense to me, and as time went on and I was afforded more chances to look at my feelings and perceptions, I do know for certain that there is something dissociative happening to me. Nothing as far as osdd I would say, but definitely along that vein.

I carry him with me. When I'm upset, I hold his grief, and when I'm overjoyed, I hold his caution. Every new situation has a protective measure put over it in the form of a dissociative fit. However, as I've mentioned previously, I don't interpret any of this in a negative light. It simply is what it is, and it is something that developed to help me cope. Of course I was afraid in the beginning - I didn't know what I was dealing with or what triggered my episodes, so I very naturally began to feel afraid when I could feel myself begin to drift. As time has gone on, I have made peace with this aspect of myself and wish to work with it.

This experience has been and continues to be deeply important to me, and I feel that part of my interpretation of it is almost spiritual in a sense. I grasped a lot of my identity through him, saw a lot of my trauma and myself in him and he continues to serve as a lens I occasionally interact with the world through. I have chosen to use his name alongside my own, feeling a sense of recognition and actual, genuine joy upon hearing it. Only a small handful of people know I use this name, and smaller few still know about my dissociation. While the psychological pieces don't necessarily have to come to light, I would like to be afforded the chance to be seen in the world as I am.

I am planning to tell two friends of mine about my name. I trust one of them to take it well, but I fear a bit of reaction from the other. She has a concept of "cringe" and has implied to me a few times prior that my behavior felt embarrassing in a secondhand way. The behaviors in question were either deeply ingrained, as from how I grew up, or entirely innate, as with my neurodivergence. I fear another layer being added to this, especially since we live together, but I don't want myself to be ruled over by my fear of perception. I want to be able to live authentically and for myself, regardless of what may be perceived of me. I already exist as someone who is queer, traumatized, disabled; some of my actions are already perceived differently because of these immutable factors. I don't want to feel afraid anymore. I am preparing for potential questions or pokes, but think I truly may not have much to fear.

My name is Shai, and I don't want to be afraid to say it.

I've registered for othercon; actually genuinely excited to see what the community is like, given how little interaction I've had with it thus far 💖

Been thinking about my tag system and am likely going to use some emojis! I'll move a few more posts over here before I solidify it, but I do have a plan!

I'm not entirely sure what I've even read this year, though I may post some pictures of my personal library in place of a reading list; there's a few books I know for certain I've read this year, but I feel it may be an incomplete list.. I may actually list the ones I know for certain and separately list the ones I'm not sure of.

The nature of this blog means that it would be a fantastic place for me to catalogue my reading; it's also making me face the unfortunate reality of seeing that I don't seem to be reading very much this year..

Since I've used this blog to talk about a lot of mental health aspects, heavily regarding my sense of self and identity, I'm thinking of talking about other aspects of my recovery and health here as well. Talking about the body the self must inhabit, a body which has long been afflicted with pain that is being resolved.

I self-tested for POTS, and with a 63 bpm difference, I more than qualify; I still would like to see it formally charted by a physician however, not just for the purposes of insurance, but for the personal validation of confirming suspicions held over a number of years. I am currently being investigated for Ehler-Danlos Syndrome, of which I appear to meet roughly 90% of the criteria for. I have been recommended a clinic to speak with, but I currently cannot afford the sessions; I will likely be diagnosed with either Hypermobile EDS, or Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder, which will also allow a lot of pieces to come together for me. Once I receive a diagnosis from the clinic, I will return to my primary care physician to seek a diagnosis for my digestive issues. My therapist (who had initially mentioned EDS and POTS to me, before my PC also strongly suggested them) brought up the idea of gastroparesis, something which I feel inclined to lean towards once I spent a day consuming nothing but liquid and, for the first time in a while, had no stomach issues. Receiving a diagnosis from this clinic will help pave the way for me to be examined for other conditions that tend to be comorbid.

I do have an appointment for two EMG tests next month, regarding the way my limbs tend to go numb, as well as a spinal MRI I have yet to schedule.

It feels overwhelming to be told that my conditions will likely be something I will carry with my for the rest of my life, but having answers is already giving me some solace. Being close to answers, at any rate.

I might actually have to wait a few days before anything here actually shows up in the tags since this is a new blog whoops

Caria chrysame psittacus, a type of metalmark butterfly known for its shimmery green markings. Photo credit: Kim Garwood

this isn't a response to any request, i'm just online window-shopping again and wanted to shout out my favorite fragrance shop since i think the scents they sell can be pretty alterhuman friendly

demeter fragrance is my go-to for unhuman scents. smells that are hard to capture. they have a lot of florals, which is common for perfumes, but uncommon scents like asian pear, basil, and monk fruit. they have enjoyable but strange scents, like the ozone smell of thunderstorms, and the smell of freshly upturned soil (one of my favorites, the scent is called earthworm). they have some smells that are outright weird, like turpentine, funeral home bouquets, fresh tennis balls, and glue

if the sound of smells named things like riding crop, lotus, spacewalk, tarnish, and wet garden sound interesting to you, please check them out! their 0.5 oz/15ml cologne bottles are really conveniently sized. for a fragrance company that makes strange smells, their prices are really cheap. most of their scents can be bought as splash bottles, spray bottles, roll-ons, lotion, body wash, and body oil and have sampler spray bottles

hello and welcome... to binarystarcare !

this is a (newly formed) kinhelp style blog catering to otherkin, fictionkin, factkin, and system members ! were open to any sources and dont have many blacklisted things ^-^ this blog is run by (currently) two mods - mod hunter and mod ranboo! we both offer different things - such as aesthetics, tarot and oracle readings, and stimboards !

all request info - and more mod info - can be found on our carrd !!

(ps this post is also serving as a promo post - please reblog this if you wanna help us out ^-^)

Little peek at my altar ✨️