Must Say, VERY Interested In The Way I Can't Listen To A Certain (vocaloid) Song Anymore Because Of The

My kintype's birthday is alleged to be the day right before mine and only now do I realize that I should celebrate it not just as a character birthday as I've been, but also as an extension of my own since. well. kin.

I've been holding on to the idea of making this blog for quite some time, and decided that no harm could really come from this + I'd like to seek out some community around this as well; while I've been familiar with the concept of kin for a while, and I've been genuinely identifying with it for about a year, I'm still fairly new to this and don't really know a lot of the terms, so I'll speak with what I know.

I have only one kin and it's Sh.aiapouf from H.unter x Hu.nter; it's all psychological as well, so no memories, canons, or anything of that nature, just a lot of connectivity in a lot of other places.

I want to be able to have this as a discussion space for this because it's been so incredibly integral to my coping and current recovery process; this blog is also going to be where I collect aesthetic images and the like that I feel fit. I also make periodic personal updates regarding my physical health. Overall, just carving out a nice space for myself here, and hoping to be able to see others doing the same.

[This is a sideblog, I follow/interact back from @/a.dhd-sh.aiapouf]

Tags, for quick reference:

🦋 Musings 🦋 -> talk tag

👑 -> interior architecture for palaces, etc

❤️ -> lovecore style imagery

💭 -> catch-all for other images

The nature of this blog means that it would be a fantastic place for me to catalogue my reading; it's also making me face the unfortunate reality of seeing that I don't seem to be reading very much this year..

Delete this if it's weird but your post about naming your blog after one of the royals guards from hxh reminded me of something. So I am part of a DID system and some of the alters have many traits/appearance of my abusers, including some with the same names. They'd do things that were harmful as a way of keeping everyone safe. Anyways, recently our host watched hxh and one of those parts really connected with Neferpitou going from this absolutely inhumane monster of sorts to slowly learning how empathy and compassion works and has now changed their name from their original name of our abuser they're based off to Pitou instead now. Anyways I'm happy for them and just wanted to share that with ya

I held onto this ask for a while bc I was debating how detailed I wanted my response to be, but I think this is a story I've been wanting to tell for a while and if there was ever a time to fully discuss this, it would be here; the naming and themeing extends to myself as well as my blog - I do go by the name Shai irl, though I'm a little picky with where I choose to use it over the name I've had for longer (Rigel). Before I go into any more detail, I want to congratulate you for that development! It sounds like a moment of positive growth, and I'm glad you got to experience that.

The short answer is that I've basically taken my experiences with dissociation and something that may be multiplicity and fully redirected it all into a sense of spirituality. My therapist had encouraged me to not pathologize it; I was just hammering at my own personal experiences and being fixated on feeling like something was wrong with me and needed to be fixed - normal people don't experience thoughts and feelings that don't belong to them. With that being said, a large part of my recovery work was/is with acceptance; I was forced to mask a lot of things while growing up (autism, physical disability, queerness, etc) and there was a huge push from my family to seem as "normal" as possible, and now I'm actively undoing that and my work with being in the otherkin community is a massive cornerstone of that work. I identified very heavily with shaiapouf and my therapist actually watched hxh so we could use pouf as a therapy tool for me. Me naming myself after him is a huge gesture of the love I was able to give myself via my coping process - recognizing him in my trauma, and working with him to recover.

The longer answer is that I've experienced dissociation that leans towards multiplicity for a number of years now, with aforementioned thoughts and feelings included. I never had any memory loss, and the experience of another person being with me wasn't well developed enough for the definition of an alter, so I felt stuck with an experience I had no words for and no way of relating to other people with similar experiences. I remember describing it as feeling possessed, like there was suddenly another consciousness present with my own. These experiences are a lot less intense now, and I attribute that to my acceptance of them instead of pushing them away in fear. It was a while before I said anything to my therapist and was genuinely mortified because it felt like something was very seriously wrong with me and I had to fix it at all costs (with the idea of needing to "fix" things that were "wrong" with me or my life being a repeating theme as well).

Over time, as I stopped pushing everything away, I was able to start seeing where the emotions and thoughts that came with the episodes (not necessarily triggering them) were coming from, but still struggled to accept them as my own when they felt so foreign. Acceptance has brought me a long way and we've now teased out that this is a massive way for me to process not just my trauma, but the grief accompanying it.

My therapist was the one who had initially suggested I take a spiritual approach to this, and I found that in the otherkin community, where, upon actually looking at the original contexts of some of the words used in the community, found things I'd been describing to my therapist over a year ago. I'd prior been fond of the idea of reincarnation and fully embraced it in this process. My first (and so far only) tattoo is of his wings, I'll carry him with me for the rest of my life; I derived one of my names from his own. This character has been highly influential in my life and I've fully embraced him for it. He means a lot of things to me - reflection of my own trauma, the power and rage I wish I could have demonstrated while in the process of being traumatized, the delicate masculinity I wish to have as a trans man, and much more I'm sure. A lot of my episodes seem to happen when helplessness kicks in, like something to help distance myself from my pain; I feel him in righteous fury when I know I deserve better. Not all of it is bad though, I had one while I was looking at Christmas lights a few months ago and felt like I was looking at the world for the first time, simple delight as if holding someone else's hand and showing them.

All in all, I thank you for sharing your story and for giving me a place to share some of mine.

Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of me publicly using the name Shai for myself and I'm already beginning to feel emotional about it..

I love being a psychological kin who later went spiritual, I love this man, I am this man, I've dissected his psyche and found myself and I was always meant to have found myself, I don't recognize myself in seeing him but I sometimes expect to see him when I look in the mirror.

I am doing the strangest, most intimate waltz with this character and I would have it no other way.

I've been considering making two actually, I have one already that I periodically update, but I'm considering arranging some music for another that doesn't fling me so violently into such a headspace. The songs won't be as "fitting" for my emotions, but I'd like some I can hear that feel more comforting than validating (though having that as the main aspect is still the most important part).

Do people still make and post kin playlists, is that still something people do

self care and masculine + androgynous accessories for shaiapouf from hunter x hunter, preference for blues and purples for @bandage-hearted-butterfly

it is, understandably, difficult to find blue stuff that isnt ocean scented and purple stuff that isnt lavender scented. which is difficult when i dont want to overload a board with just one scent. i had better luck finding things that were a blend of different scents instead of *pure* lavender

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Maxfield Parish (United States 1870-1966). Lull Brook /Winter Peace at Twilight 1945.

//...Vladimir Donatovich Orlovsky...// (1842-1914)

Storm Clouds, 1884.