Loki: Today Is A Quiet Day

Peter: If I die, please bury me either in a T-pose or the you know I had to do it pose.

Don’t normally do this but the song made my day.

@everyscript

“Not you”

And Carol walks in the door drinking Starbucks.

Peter: *comes home at 2 am*

Tony: where were you?

Peter: with cap

Cap: *turns his chair * wanna try again?

Clearly you don’t know Johnny Storm

Clint, after being drenched in gasoline: Oh no. Fire is my only weakness.

Y/N: Yeah, fire is everyone’s weakness.

Y/N: It’s fucking fire.

Peter: MJ is so cute. *sigh*

Ned: ...She just...stabbed Flash for bullying you...

Peter: I said cute not harmless.

MJ: You do know I can hear you?

Peter:

Ned:

MJ: Thanks Loser

Loki summoning daggers:

Where is it?!

Thor frantically trying to calm him down:

Loki, wait!! You should treat spiders how you wish to be treated!

Loki:

Killed without hesitation!

Thor:

Not again! Please stop dying!

Sam: Oh hell no! I’m not giving Bucky $100,000 dollars!

Bucky: I would because I hate myself and then because I hate myself would give it all to Steve. He deserves it

Rhodey: You’re offered $50,000, but if you accept, the person you hate the most in the world would get $100,000– do you take it?

Tony: Why would I miss out on the chance to get 150,000

Peter our as Spider-Man talking to a criminal: Where can I find a wheelchair?

Criminal who’s rant was interrupted: What? Why?

Peter: Cause I can’t stand bullshit

Bucky: Nice hands, Nat.

Nat: Thanks?

Bucky: But they'd look better around my-

Sam: BIBLE! WRAPPED AROUND THE BIBLE! PRAISE RHE LORD JESUS! AMEN!

The spider that bit Peter Parker’s was from a cross-species genetics lab right? Think of the possibilities for fanfiction and headcanons.

P.S. I’m starting an au oneshot book about this. It doesn’t exist yet though. It will be on Wattpad because I can’t find my drafts on Tumblr ever. @adopted_by_hestia is the account