Miss The Days When I Was Just Planning To Read A Little Life, When I Didn’t Know Anything Of Jude St.

jude when he used to swim so he wouldn’t relapse:

i just made this i’m sorry😭😭

Thinking about the wildflowers that Willem and Jude planted in the fields around their house and how they’re probably still growing, year after year. They probably spread out over time, with no one to mow them or trim them back. They probably smother the house now, growing right up to the doorstep.

The happy years didn’t last long enough. But the flowers will continue to grow.

me because i was actually not able to breathe by the end 🩷

Me back to when I finished Dear comrade AND Lispenard street in ONE sitting

someone said that they miss Jude, but I don't miss him I take him everywhere I go, I let him wander in my mind all the time, it's like I have him with me in some form or the another everywhere

it’s just. the way to the man in rome, jude is just a good looking boy who he complemented to his father, but the man will never know everything that happened to jude. that jude thinks he’s horrifically ugly. the way jude’s story ends. it makes me so fucking ill

not going to lie a specific scene in the book that really fucking hits me sometimes and i need to double down is when someone tells harold jude is beautiful . i just can’t. there’s something so solemn about it

october 22, 2023

I just read the first chapter of the “axiom of equality” part of a little life and dude I’m really reconsidering the way I view life as a whole.

x=x, yes Jude, I feel you so fucking much, all my life I felt like I wouldn’t surpass this feeling of being wrong, the wrongdoings of my childhood, my mistakes and mistakes of others done to me haunt me every single moment of my days, maybe If I were funnier, maybe I if worked on my weight a little harder it would disappear, what did I do to deserve so much hate from others as a kid? to experience the heavy bullying? why should it stain my memory like a wine stained carpet? (you get used to it but it’s never really clean, this metaphor worked in my head so please bear with it). and Caleb, man I’ve met so many fucking Calebs in my life, people i trusted at first sight, thought it could work just to be utterly disappointed at the outcome.

“you’re not your past”, easier said than done.

it’s 3:15 a.m where I live as i’m writing this and I doubt i’ll be able to afford a good night of sleep due the mental state i find myself in. I haven’t cried once while reading this book, maybe it’s because I see so much of myself in these characters that I’m just perplexed and angry, at myself, at others who made me feel like a complete piece of shit my whole life, at the JB’s, cause we all have that one friend that, at some point, made fun of our insecurities and left us feeling like garbage.

read “a little life” by Hanya Yanagihara, i promise it’ll change you and the way you interpret life and others (and i haven’t even finished it yet)

your card declines at therapy and they bring jude and willem during the happy years in (you can’t save them)

Your card declines at therapy and they bring out Harold’s “in everything I see, I see him” monologue from Lispenard Street II

[ 𝐈 ] 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞.

[ 𝐈𝐈 ] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐦𝐚𝐧

𝐇𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐝, 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐝: 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧, 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐝.

𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞; 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

[ 𝐈𝐈𝐈 ] 𝐕𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲? 𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐞 (𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭'𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐤).

𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞, 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭, 𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐟 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐦 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐚 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐭. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐦.

[ 𝐈𝐕 ] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐀𝐱𝐢𝐨𝐦 𝐨𝐟 𝐄𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

𝐱=𝐱, 𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬. 𝐱=𝐱, 𝐱=𝐱.

[ 𝐕 ] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬

'𝐖𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬.'

[ 𝐕𝐈 ] 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐞

𝐖𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐚 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞?

𝐖𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲?

[ 𝐕𝐈𝐈 ] 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭

'𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲', 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝. '𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮.'

'𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞', 𝐈 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝.

if….if we’re doing headcanons,,,,,jude + willem domesticity?? 👉👈

Gonna hijack this ask a little bit and give you domesticness from their college days + including JB and Malcolm (partly bc I don’t really have any domestic headcanons from Jude + Willem’s middle age years, partly bc I’m an absolute fiend for the boys and their college days)

- Late night talks as they lay in their bunk beds, hands reaching out for each other in laughter, voices growing quieter when one of them falls asleep

- Jude bringing back leftover cookies and sweets from Batter that Allison gives him

- Leaving each other notes on their desks, reminders and bits of encouragement when they have exams. JB draws crude doodles on the notes.

- Sharing EVERYTHING with each other. They often don’t even have to ask to borrow something

- Being unable to remain in fights/arguments for long, by the end of the night they’re back to talking with each other

- Taking care of their friend when one of them inevitably gets sick from Pho Viet Huong

- Inside jokes! So. Many. Inside jokes. Gets to the point where their other shared friends outside of their little group begin to get annoyed

- Making abhorrent food combinations together because they’re broke. Jude’s always turns out the best, and they marvel at how he can take the most dismal, meagre ingredients and create a delicious meal.

- Evening walks around Boston. Sometimes they’re very talkative, jumping from one topic to another. Sometimes, they just enjoy the quiet and each others company.

- Constant, endless, silly teasing. Ex. Calling Willem their “diversity hire” for being the only one of them who is white.

- On that note, being incredibly defensive of each other when outsiders overstep the boundaries. No one’s allowed to talk shit about them except each other, especially Jude. So much as look at him and his crutches in a vaguely judgemental way, and your life will be ruined by dawn break

- Getting tiny potted plants to keep in their room and taking care of them. They keep little schedules for who waters and when, marvelling at the plants as they grow

- Going to plays and movies and events together, the four of them attached at the hip, moving as a monolith, smothering their laughter behind their hands as people around them glare but not caring because they’re so enamoured in the joy and pleasure of each other

- After wild nights out, taking care of each other when they’re drunk/hangover, whoever’s the most sober dragging the others down the block or onto the subway, cleaning them up and tucking them into bed, in the morning sitting by their bed as they get ill.

- Taking Jude’s crutches (with permission of course) whenever they need an excuse for something. “Oh, I missed the midterm because I got injured, can I retake it?”

- Being each others family for graduation, whooping and whistling loudly in the crowd, taking thousands of silly pictures afterwards

- Talking shit about the professors, the TAs, the staff that they hate. Snickering to each other whenever one of them walk past them in the hallways

- Reading with each other, reading to each other, leaving notes in the back pages of books, swapping novels and magazines

- Late night subway rides, trying to make themselves heard over the clunky clatter of the subway trains, swaying in their spots as they clutch the hanging straps