I Survived Paprika Hendl And All I Got Were These Queer Dreams

no one prepared me for how fucking funny dracula was gonna be. u hoes wax poetic about dracula daily in a thousand different ways every year and never once have i heard anyone talk about how much dracula absolutely sucks ass at being a mysterious creature of the night. it is day 3 and the only reason johnathan hasn’t thrown the word “vampire” around is cause this is a work trip and his boss and dracula would both kill him in short order if he did lmao.

can we like, have adaptations made by people who care about the thing they're adapting

Jonathan on the 12th: This thing isn't human, I just watched him scale the bloody walls like a fucking lizard, what sort of beast am I forced to be in contact with????

Jonathan on the 15th: Saw the old bastard scaling the fucking wall again and honestly fuck this shit I am so over it hope he falls actually.

I’m sorry I was talking with someone about the AP lit prompt for the third essay today and said that I used the Dracula novel and the character of Jonathan to write the essay, Yknow, cuz it fit. And they straight up said “Are you kidding me, isn’t that a movie?”

Bro.

Advanced placement student.

Literature and composition.

Actual things that happen in the 1897 Dracula novel, without context:

A character has ominous nightmares and attributes them to eating too much paprika

Dracula first appears wearing a fake beard

The person he was trying to fool with the fake beard immediately realizes Dracula and Beard Guy are the same man, due to both having really firm handshakes

We are told parrots are immortal unless fatally wounded

A Texan cowboy opens fire on a bat flitting around a window, and lodges a bullet in the wall of an occupied room

A woman is called a polyandrist for receiving blood transfusions from multiple men

An incorrectly addressed telegram leads to two deaths, multiple druggings, and several children being assaulted

Dracula, while trying to maintain a low profile, takes a lovely trip to the zoo and freaks out the animals so badly that he gets mentioned in a newspaper article

The one character who knows anything about vampires spends a good two-thirds of the book refusing to talk about vampires

Dracula went to Satan's Witchcraft Academy and somehow this is only brought up in two throwaway lines

A character gets stuck inside a circle of communion wafer crumbs

A major plot point of the book is Dracula (who was said to be a brilliant scholar and has the strength of twenty mortal men) realizing he can move boxes without human help

Someone is referred to as "manifestly a prig of the first water"

Two characters have a hobby of reading train schedules

A hospital lets a mental patient escape to see what will happen

A character starts vomiting up feathers from eating whole birds

A doctor refuses to give a medical diagnosis and instead makes a speech about growing corn

Dracula impersonates another character just by wearing the same clothes, despite being taller and visibly much older. This deception is successful.

A character "cleans" a room by eating all the insects in it

Suddenly: rats. Thousands of them.

The heroes progress in their efforts through "the wonderful power of money," i.e., bribery

Dracula has three other vampires in his castle. Their relation to him is never explained, nor are any of them named.

A character insists his salvation depends on having a pet cat

Dracula is thwarted by flowers on more than one occasion

A group of vampires stand in the hall outside a man's bedroom, talking loudly about their plans to eat him. When he comes to the door to confront them, they run away laughing

Dracula wears an unfashionable hat and gets roasted for it

A group of Romanians encounter a disheveled, shouting man and, "seeing from his violent demeanour that he was English, they [give] him a ticket for the furthest station on the way thither that the train reached."

A boat crashes due to Dracula having the munchies

A wolf is thrown through a window and immediately runs off, confused and covered in glass

Dracula makes a bed

Eternally fond of the way Jonathan says ✨excellent supper✨ each time in Re: Dracula

No word from my good friend Jonathan for two days now :(

i hate driving. here are the laws! if you break them there will be consequences! except youre also expected to break the law just a little bit. people will get mad at you if you dont. you dont have right of way but the person who does is waving you forward for some reason. here's the speed limit! it's not the speed limit, the actual speed limit is that plus ~5-10. the light is green but you're in the turning lane. can you go? should you have gone just then? the person behind you is honking at you. there's a weird noise coming from your engine; if you try to do the right thing and get it checked out, will you get scammed? you are driving a 1-2 ton metal machine rocketing at speeds unknown to humankind for most of history. around a million people die in car accidents every year; that's about one person every thirty seconds. if you take that seriously and try to drive safely then people get mad at you.

hate hate hate the simple fact that i have to bother other people about my problems if i want support for them

New Dracula stage play.

Cynthia Erivo as 23 characters.

Sounds grea--

*sigh*