My Dear

Diary

i stare at the empty pages. i wonder what i'm supposed to write. what i can write. i scroll through my experiences within my head. albeit, none of them sound good enough to be put on paper. i weave the pen in a dance across the pages jn my diary. i'm not sure if the words make sense or not, but they are there to stay.

i buy diaries, yet only write a few passages every so often. i feel that my words are far more secure within the locked security of my own phone.. or rather my own head.

i started writing because i was done being silent within my own head.

~ m.n.

Loved

i want you, i need you. infact, i can't live without you. i crave your touch that i never got to experience. i want your lips on mine, a comforting notation to our love.

until

everything turned from present to past.

i wanted you, i needed you. infact, i couldn't live without you. i craved your touch that i never got to experience. i wanted your lips on mine, a comforting notation to our love.

you didn't love me, you kept up the act well though. in the end you didn't try hard to keep me, in fact i believe you wanted to get rid of me as soon as you realized how boring i was. as in boring i mean, pushing you to be better, pushing you to reach out, allowing you to cry and having me listen to your weeps.

i think you loved me, but not enough.

~ m.n.

Words/Phrases You Probably Didn't Know About

hi hi ! hello dears, it's been a while but i've decided to put together a list of words or phrases that you most likely didn't know as well as their definitions !

have fun writing and please let me know if you wish for a pt. 2 !

~ m.n.

accismus (n) - pretending to be disinterested in something when you actually want it.

ala rasi - an Arabic phrase that roughly translates to "anything for you."

anomia (n) - a brain disorder that makes it hard to remember the names of people and objects.

balter (v) - to dance or tread clumsily.

clinomania (n) - the persistent desire to stay in bed, even when there are other responsibilities.

constult (v) - to act stupidly together.

defenestrate (v) - throw (someone) out of a window.

draconian (adj) - something that is excessively harsh and severe.

eglaf (n) - a word that has no meaning and can be used in place of any other word.

ephemeral (adj) – lasting for a very short time.

fabulist (n) - a liar, especially a person who invents elaborate, dishonest stories.

gheegle (n) - the urge to squeeze or pinch something very cute.

heterophemize (v) - unconscious use of words other than those intended; to say something different from what you meant to say.

irenic (adj) - aiming or aimed at peace; promoting peace.

jayus (n) - a joke that amuses because it is so unfunny or poorly told.

jouska (n) - the act of repeatedly playing out hypothetical conversations in one's head.

latibulate (v) - to hide or seek refuge, often in a corner, to protect oneself or find comfort.

lethologica (n) - the inability to remember a particular word or name.

moonglade (n) - the bright reflection of moonlight on a body of water.

morosis (n) - an obsolete medical term that means idiocy, stupidity, or fatuity. it can also refer to a decline in intelligence due to foolishness.

nedovtipa (n) - one who finds it difficult to take a hint.

nepenthe (n) - a potion used by the ancients to induce forgetfulness of pain or sorrow.

obganiate (v) - to annoy someone by repeating the same thing over and over.

phosphenes (n) - a ring or spot of light produced by pressure on the eyeball or direct stimulation of the visual system other than by light; the colors, "stars," you see when you rub your eyes.

pregret (v) - to feel regret for an action before it has happened.

shlimazl (n) - a person who is unlucky or inept, or bad luck itself.

smyster (v) - to smile to oneself while daydreaming.

snaccident (n) - accidentally eating a snack, especially an entire bag or box of junk food.

ultracrepidarian (n) - expressing opinions on matters outside the scope of one's knowledge or expertise.

Birthday

it's my birthday, but i feel no older. i always have had the privilege to have a party with love filled to the brim every year. albeit, i remember feeling unexcited for the one day written towards me. my one special day and yet i felt empty. why is that so? as i grow older i realize how foolish i was to wish to grow older quickly. i thought being older would mean that i have more control over my life, yet i feel that's still untrue.

i never took anything for granite. i opened every card slowly just only hoping for the handwritten "we love you, happy birthday." if there was anything extra i appreciated everything so much. i took every present i received and kept it, it'll remain by my side until the day i die.

~ m.n.

Rejected

opened letter,

my name printed on the soft white envelope,

someone already knew of my failure before i was even to lay my eyes upon the words,

my delicate fingers grasp the letter that disapprove of all of what i had done,

i hadn't been enough. the letter crinkles as my eyes glaze over,

who will take me seriously now?

~ m.n.

What Would They Do?

i tend to wonder what people would do once im gone.

would they cry?

would they be angry?

would they feel no remorse?

would they feel absolutely nothing?

i cannot say, but i hope they don't cry. if they were to shed a tear i, myself, would hurt despite not being here. i would hope they mourn me, but in their own ways like humans do.

on another note, i often hoped something bad would happen to me just so that i could feel some sort of attention. i have much of it, yet at the same time i feel like im invisible.

~ m.n.

It's Over

i'm sad, but it's hard to put into words. yes, i'm depressed, but it's so much more than the word. people tend to not understand what i feel when i just say the word.

"it must suck feeling down all the time."

yes, but it's so much more. i feel glued to my room - to my bed. i don't take care of myself simply because i don't have the gumption. i get internal cravings that scratch at my innards. they scream at me to kick the bucket. splash the water over the life i haven't finished. they tell me i am not enough.

they are suffocating. they are killing me from within. i am a seemingly perfect apple with a worm hidden inside. i am the milk that you pour without realizing it has gone bad.

i am melancholy novelette.

~ m.n.

i found this image to be quite inspirational, thus i wish to share it. you don't have to make something phenomenal much less rather something exceptional. you must first put it out there and tweak things later because you cannot build off of something you put nothing into. some day you'll regret never putting yourself out there.

create beautiful, wonderful things.

~ m.n.

White, Green Season

i am typically what one would call a therapy friend. i listen. i hear the person out. i give advice if they wish for it. such is such. it repeats often. many people need a shoulder to keel over on or an outside ear to listen in.

i don't mind, infact i'm honored they trust me enough to say what troubles them. i see people constantly mull over the same issues and i help them in a different way every time. i don't get bored, rather i let them talk, rant, let it out.

it's nice to let it go. to feel your shoulders be relieved of the tension that had pent up. not many people offer me a shoulder, but i don't mind.

it feels intimate or personal knowing ones struggles and seeing them prosper. it gives the crinkle to my eyes as i smile softly to myself within my dimly lit room. atleast i was able to make someone feel better.

it's like seeing the green after a harsh winter. spring had always been my favorite season for a reason.

~ m.n.

Happy Holidays 🎄🎁

i hope you all have a wonderful holiday today, whether you celebrate something or not !

~ m.n.