They Should Make Weight Loss Ads Illegal And I’m Not Kidding

Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter’s ceremony. “I’m way deader than he is,” mumbled Trump, who lay at the opposite end of the National Cathedral as his senior aides attempted to persuade Carter funeral attendees to leave their seats and pay respects to the 45th president. “This coffin sure is impressive, isn’t it? Full Story

on tumblr people will say "yeah i've got 7 mental illnesses" then call you schizo for the most mundane symptoms and on reddit people will say "i'm a slightly awkward introvert" and you go to their profile to see their post history and they have mental health issues you didn't know god could create

I’m the type of guy who likes jokes and fun. Holler if you want me 🤑

Melatonin Trumps fuck ass inauguration outfit is taking me out

All y'all fuckers when you say you ain't gonna vote

The Easter bunny

“Daddy, who’s the Easter bunny and what is his connection to the Abrahamic religion system?”

Ronald, the husband, the father, the warrior, gazed down gently at little Michael, his youngest son. His deep voice that overwhelmed the boys ears with hope and wonder spoke. “Let me tell you a story, son. Do you remember the story of the manger? Of our lord Jesus Christ?” Michael nodded excitedly. He had always loved that story. “Well, there’s something I’ve never told you before about that story. A detail I left out. But today, my boy, you’re finally old enough to learn about Mary’s second son. You see, after Jesus was killed, Mary decided it was best for her youngest to run away and to take up a new identity. He lived for a very long time and changed a lot of lives. Lives like yours, Michael. Thankfully he stayed hidden for centuries before he was tragically cut short by an evil man named Pleurisy. Pleurisy was jealous of the man and his strengths. His godlike ability to pull light from the sky and control it as if a part of his own hand made him feel powerless, and when a man feels powerless he can do horrible things. This man was a very large public figure, so his death was covered up as to not cause country-wide outrage.” The other 4 of the sliver fox’s children had gathered around his feet in a circle, listening intently and staring up at him in awe of the story. Ronald had always had such a way of painting pictures with his words. The sights he spoke into existence as simply as tying a knot seemed the gather in towards his towering form and softly floated and buzzed around the seven heads in the room. “well, the man died long after his family and had no one to guide him to heaven to be amongst the others of God’s children. So, he lay waiting in his casket for that very special day that his older brother would rise to join him in the afterlife, and one day, that day came. On easter morning, the man had leapt into the stars, leaving his body and his life behind. Now, children. The Easter bunny. Which one wanted to hear about him? You? The adopted one, right?” Michael spoke again with visible tears on his face “I’m adopted?” They stared at each other for a moment “ Yeah… Anyway, a rabbit priest, a priestly rabbit came hopping along a few years later with quite an intent for disruption. He dug a burrow into the thick mound of dirt he had claimed as his own only to meet something hard. ‘Metal? Cement?’ He thought. Wood. The rabbit has dug so far down that he had reached the man’s casket. And being a curious rabbit, he climbed inside to see if the man had been a practicing Christian. No cross was found around the neck of the picked clean bone he found there. The rabbit was disappointed. It was getting cold out and so he climbed inside of the forms ribcage, hoping he wouldn’t mind the company. The days turned into nights until the rabbit had realized it had become Easter yet again. As the skeleton began to move on its own it pulled the animal out from inside it by the ear and asked it what it had been doing in there. The rabbit assured him that he meant no harm and that he was just very cold. They made a deal that since the man couldn’t come down to earth all year, that the rabbit could keep his remains safe and dedicate his life to spreading his message. They both agreed and they shook on it. It was a beautiful spring day when the rabbit decided to bring the skeleton outside and disguised it inside costume of himself. He egged people houses and he told people to ‘suck it!!’ And all was well in America. And that man, oh how he smiles down upon all of you kids, I just know it.” “Really? How would you know?” Ronald Reagan glanced up at his husband Benjamin Franklin Christ and tucked a strand of his long, silver hair behind his ear. Their smiles two halves of the same ring. “Oh, I know.”

Idc we that you’re poly I only care whether or not you’re a bunch of squares

Are you squares?🤨⬛️

HMU if you wanna get married. Cool couples ONLY. If you’re lame I’ll scream at such a volume and such a pitch that my glasses will shatter and I’ll make you pay for new ones. And also. Eye surgery for me probably

I put the “hard” in hard working

Obama WILLhave sex with me

sorry to have to tell you this but if a stranger comes to your inbox or slides in your DMs asking you for your money with some sob story, no matter how tragic and convincing the story is, they are a scammer — especially if the story is obviously copied and pasted, formatted in the exact same way as the other 100 bots in your inbox