What If My Biggest Red Flag Is Me Wanting Him To Feel My Absence As A Poison Spreading In His Blood Streams.

Will be turning 23 in less than 12 hours. I am honestly blessed to meet such wonderful people in last couple of months that I can’t even imagine my life rn without them. I will always owe this to the universe for brining me close with the people I deserve and cherish whole heartedly. Iloveyou all so much🧿♥️

1st image: Art supplies by Big Lohan

2nd image: Stitch merchandise by Sofia and his boyfriend small Lohan

3rd image: Kuromi by Big Lohan

Old room, old images; 2023 was 2 years ago. Dangerous how the time flies by.

Madison Julius Cawein, “Dusk In The Woods”

It feels like a lifetime ago that we had you, and it feels like a decade since we have lost you. The world was cruel to you but I’m glad, we are glad that we could call you ours. My dearest baby, you will always be our first child, my first daughter that I could never have. You came as a blessing but left like an unforgivable curse. The past 6 months were beautiful with you, and right now it’s just a silence that no one talks about whole heartedly of the void that got created since the day you left. My love, my dearest dear child Yukio, I miss you every single day that it simply stings my heart when I realise you aren’t next to me. Your dad still griefs about you but doesn’t have the heart to talk about it since he lost you. We did cry, whole heartedly to realise why we don’t speak about your absence so much even when it speaks volumes in this unforgiving silence. As they say why parents have their favourite child, and you made the two of us realise that it will always be you, no matter what. Rest in peace my doll, please be playful the way you were with us, and hopefully get the warmest blanket to cover yourself up as you fall asleep my dear.

I love you so much as much as I miss you unconditionally my child❤️‍🩹

— Nikita Gill

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien

My love ♥️🧿

I gave you a love so vast it could have swallowed cities whole. I built galaxies in my chest just to make room for you, carved out pieces of my soul and called them home so you would never feel alone. I was there and offering, but you… you only ever loved the echo of me, the shadow I cast in your mind, not the woman who bled herself dry to be enough. You didn’t love me. You loved the idea of being loved by someone like me. And that was the slow undoing.

You were never really there, not when I shattered quietly in rooms we shared, not when I fell asleep hoping you would see me again, not just look at me. I held up the heavens for us while you watched, arms folded, eyes elsewhere. And still, I stayed. Still, I gave. Foolish, maybe. Devoted, definitely.

Now, that it’s all gone. I have crossed oceans of pain to reach a shore where your name doesn’t burn on my skin anymore. I am somewhere better, freer, lighter. And just when I have stitched myself together with gold thread and midnight prayers, you come back.

You come back with a whisper of apology, a handful of words you never had the courage to speak when I was drowning right in front of you. Why now? Why always after?

It is the cruel theater of time, isn’t it? The final act where ghosts knock at your door once you have already exorcised them. People see your worth only in absence, crave your presence only when it is no longer a gift they are entitled to. Love should never be a posthumous award.

And yet, here I am, haunted not by you, but by the echo of who I was when I loved you. And that is the deepest ache of all.

(Darjeeling’22)

"Because of You", Paruyr Sevak (translated by Tathev Simonyan)