People Don't Talk Enough About How Fucking Funny It Is That Bruce Can Sub In His Kids As Batman When

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

More Posts from Spidermanspleenless and Others

spidermanspleenless
3 weeks ago

I am a grown ass adult and I still get nausea when I feel like I'm in trouble. They're gonna send me to the principals office and take away my toys for a week. Can you just fucking kill me instead of making me stew in my fucking anxiety

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spidermanspleenless
11 months ago

Callum: Writing's not that easy. But Grammarly can help.

Callum: *Pointing to a board with the words 'I miss you. Forgive me. Tell me you love me, even once'* This sentence is grammatically correct. But it's wordy and hard to read.

Callum: Here's a different and shorter option.

Callum: *Points to a board with the words 'I'm going to kill you'*

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spidermanspleenless
1 month ago

High School Bernard trying to act cool and all knowing around Tim to impress him.

Also, high school Bernard internally: "Don't show Tim your superherosona. As much as you want to don't show Tim your superherosona!"

He eventually caves and shows Tim his drawing of his superherosona

113 notes View Post
spidermanspleenless
1 month ago

The brothers ever

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spidermanspleenless
1 month ago

i want to put bernard dowd in a box and shake him around a bit

Tags
i miss him bernard dowd i adore him more than words can express
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spidermanspleenless
1 month ago
ITS HAPPENING! Did Anyone Say Custom Baseball Cards?? The General Layout Is Still A Work In Progress,

ITS HAPPENING! Did anyone say custom baseball cards?? The general layout is still a work in progress, but…👀

765 notes View Post
spidermanspleenless
2 weeks ago
A 10-page comic featuring Tim Drake, Conner Kent, Bart Allen and Cassie Sandsmark from DC Comics. Page 1 is in hues of blue, purple, and pink. Panel 1: Kon enters the living room, tiredly rubbing his eyes. Panel 2: He pauses, staring in reproach to the figure in the foreground. Kon: ... Kon: Why are you awake? Panel 3: Kon floats towards Tim, who is on the sofa working on his laptop. Tim's typing fills the silence of the room. Panel 4: Kon continues floating towards Tim. Kon: Tim. Tim: Work. Panel 5: Kon glances down at Tim's laptop. He is lit by the light emanating from the screen. Kon: I know when you're deliberately slowing down your heart rate. If it really was work you wouldn't try hiding being awake from me. Also, that's Sudoku. Panel 6: Kon gets close to Tim's face, staring him down in reproach; Tim looks surprised. Kon: So?
Page 2, similarly to Page 1, is in hues of blue, purple, and pink. In Panel 4, some colour returns only to Kon and Tim. Panel 1: Tim puts away his laptop. Kon settles beside Tim on the sofa. Panel 2: A close up on Tim's hand closing the laptop. The room is awash in darkness. Tim: It's one of those nights, is all. You? Kon, off-screen: Don't deflect. Panel 3: A shot from behind the sofa on Tim's end. Kon looks dejected. Tim: I'm not deflecting. You look like you've been thinking about things you don't want to think about. Kon: Oh. ... Welp. Panel 4: A shot from a high angle. Kon slumps down on the sofa, a hand on his chest, the other holding Tim's. Tim's other arm hugs a pillow. Their legs are on the coffee table. Tim: Wanna talk about it? Kon: Do you? Tim: Kon. Kon: Tim. Sigh. Maybe later. I just... Tim: Okay. I'll be here.
Page 3 is similarly coloured to Page 2 Panel 4. Panel 1: Tim looks at the ceiling; Kon looks at the floor. They look miserable. Panel 2: Kon glances sideways at Tim; Tim looks insulted. Kon: Gimme a pillow. Tim: No. Panel 4: Kon reaches for Tim's pillow; Tim blocks his hand, curling around the pillow protectively and smirking. Kon: Tim. Come ooooooooooon. Tim: Nope. Panel 5: Kon drags himself towards Tim's lap; Tim looks surprised. Kon: Suit yourself. Panel 6: Kon rests his head on Tim's lap; Tim puts a hand on Kon's chest. Panel 7: Tim looks down at Kon, expression fond. Tim: Smartass. Panel 8: Kon looks back, just as fond. He places a hand on Tim's Kon: Says you. Panel 9: Tim looks away; Kon looks at him smugly. Tim: Whatever.
Page 4 is in pinks; Bart is outlined in brown and coloured in bright yellow. Panel 1: Someone speeds into the room. Panel 2: Tim and Kon look at the next panel. Panel 3: Bart crashes into the arm of the sofa, holding a paddle with a ball attached to it. Bart: HeyTimHeyKon! Tim, off-screen: Hey Bart. Kon, off-screen: Hey Bart. Panel 4: Bart gesticulates; Tim and Kon look at him. Tim: Can't sleep? Bart: Yeah I feel like I'm gonna vibrate out of my skin. Or— I feel like I am vibrating out of my skin? Am I? Panel 5: Bart continues gesticulating while hitting the ball. His speech is in the panel behind him, mostly obscured. Panel 6: Similar to Panel 5. A hand reaches out and grabs Bart's; it's coloured pink. Panel 7: A close-up on Bart's face. He looks worried. Bart: It's like, I'm thinking about a lot but they're dumb and also nothing because I can't grasp any of them. It's all a blank spot and also a lot it. Lots of emptiness. And noise. So much noise. Panel 8: An even closer-up on Bart's face, looking even more worried. Bart: I dunno. Maybe I'm phasing out of existence. Maybe I'm going back. And I don't— Panel 9: The panel is coloured teal. Bart is pulled down by someone off-screen. Kon, off-screen: C'mere. Bart: Woah!
Page 5 is in hues of blue, green, and yellow. Panel 1: Bart falls on top of Kon, who koala hugs him. Tim looks at the both of them fondly. Bart: Oof. Kon: Good? Bart: TTK? Kon: Yeah. How's the pressure? Panel 2: Bart looks at Kon, who smiles at him. Their noses are touching. Bart: S'nice. Like a really weird hug. Panel 3: Kon kisses the top of Bart's head; Bart snuggles into him. Kon: *smooch* Good. Panel 4: Zoom out; They look cozy in silence. Panel 5: Tim pushes Bart's hair into Kon's face, smirking. Kon: Bart. Your hair. It's tickling my nose. Bart: Deal with it. Panel 6: Tim looks up, guarded. Kon, off-screen: Bart. Dude. M'man. C'mon. Bart, off-screen: My hair is wild. Untameable. She can do whatever her heart desires. Kon, off-screen: I'm gonna sneeze on your face. Panel 7: Kon and Bart look up in surprise. Panel 8: A hand coloured in red digs into the wall, crushing where it holds.
Page 6 is in saturated and desaturated reds. Panel 1: Cassie enters, wild-eyed and sweating. She is coloured in solid bright red. Panel 2: A shot from behind her; only Tim is visible. There are red speech bubbles with no text in them. Tim: Hey Cassie. Cassie: Hey T— Hey. Hey. Sorry about the wall. Again. Tim: It's your wall too. Nightmare? Panel 3: A close up on Cassie's face. She breathes heavily; Her eyes aren't visible. Tim, off-screen: ...Cassie? Panel 4: The foreground is of indiscernible figures coloured in black. Cassie covers her face. Cassie: Yeah. Yeah. %@&#. For a moment I thought you— that I— %@&#. You weren't in your rooms. Panel 5: Cassie covers her mouth; Hey eyes are still not visible. More red speech bubbles surround her. Panel 6: Cassie turns to leave, waving a hand dismissively. Cassie: Never mind—
Page 7 is in desaturated colours; It heightens in saturation in Panel 4, then more in Panel 5. Panel 1: From Cassie's POV. Kon and Bart look at her, smiling sadly. Tim stands behind them; he and the background are still in red. Panel 2: From Cassie's POV. She looks down at her hands clenched in fists, held by Kon and Bart. Panel 3: Her hands shake as she stares at them. Panel 4: She grabs their hands gently. Panel 5: She raises their hands to her lips in relief. Cassie: Thank Hera.
Page 8 is similarly coloured to Page 7 Panel 5. Panel 6 takes on a bluer, more grounded tint. Panel 1: Bart speeds off panel. Kon laces his and Cassie's fingers together and gives her a sidehug, kissing her cheek. Cassie smiles at Tim, who looks back in equal quiet happiness. Cassie: ...Any space in the pile for me? Kon: *smooch* Tim: Always. Panel 2: Bart, once again in solid yellow, speeds back in and throws a blanket and a Superman plushie into the air. Bart: Here's your blanket! And your Superman plushie! And your— Actually— Panel 3: Bart speeds in again, holding a pile of blankets, pillows, and two of Tim's bo staffs. Bart: Blanket fort! Panel 4: Cassie, Kon, and Tim raise their hands in cheer. Them: YEAH! Panel 5: Kon dives into a Bart-induced speedster dust cloud of speedy work. Cassie looks at them fondly; Tim makes his way next to her. Panel 6: Cassie looks down in question.
Page 9 is similarly coloured to Page 8 Panel 6, with added shadows. Panel 1: A close-up on Tim and Cassie's hands. He grabs hers tightly. Panel 2: A shot from behind Tim, his eyes obscured by his hair. Tim: They're really here. Panel 3: Cassie looks at him in quiet realization. Panel 4: Another close-up on their hands; Cassie holds his just as tight. Bart and Kon make their way towards them, smiling. Bart: Come on, slowpokes! It's almost done! Panel 5: Kon and Bart grab Tim and Cassie's hands and pull. Panel 6: Bart lays a blanket dramatically over the end of the page; Kon, Cassie, and Tim stand behind him.
Page 10 is similarly coloured to Page 9, with gentle blue lighting. They sleep on a pile of blankets on the floor, surrounded by pillows, bolsters, and plushies. Kon sleeps in between Cassie and Tim, head on Cassie's outstretched arm; He holds Bart, who's sprawled horizontally on all of them, by the waist. Tim's hand is on Kon's chest, and their legs are tangles together. Cassie's arm cushioning Kon's head is also cushioning Tim's; her other hand is draped on Bart's shoulder, which Bart holds. Bart's other hand is under Tim's temple.

restless

(id in alt text)

9K notes View Post
spidermanspleenless
1 month ago

I literally hate every job in the world. I don’t want them. I don’t want ANY of them!

I Literally Hate Every Job In The World. I Don’t Want Them. I Don’t Want ANY Of Them!
51K notes View Post
spidermanspleenless
2 weeks ago

i swear to god that social cue wasnt there before

31K notes View Post
spidermanspleenless
2 weeks ago

for shits and giggles: my personal take on what shoes each batfam member wears

—

bruce - almost always dress shoes, if he’s in the manor casually he’s in slippers and socks but if he’s leaving he’s in dress shoes.

dick - he’s a vans lover till he dies, and he never switched over to converse when they got more popular. he has one pair of custom nightwing converse that he got from wally and donna.

barbara - adidas or pretty much any comfortable running sneaker (yes even after the killing joke). she also loves flats she thinks they’re so cute.

jason - combat boots. he likes how heavy they feel, they help him feel grounded, keeps him aware that he’s moving and walking and alive. he also has a pair of red hood slippers from lian and roy.

tim - his go to is always a good pair of converse but he has the more eclectic shoe collection you’ve ever seen. heels, heelys, sneakers, boots, flip flops, you name it he’s got a pair.

steph - you wouldn’t think it but she’s a secret sneaker head. she gets excited over new shoe drops and she loves dunks and jordans. sneakers are always a good go to present for her.

cass - converse but she ties them like gwen stacy in the spiderverse movies. also has a pair of purple vans she bought cause they remind her of steph. she can on occasion be found just wearing her ballet flats around the house.

damian - wears dress shoes like all the time like bruce, however he has a pair of light up sketchers from dick that he does wear on occasion.

duke - has two pairs of converse, one of them practically falling apart at the seams and the other pair being a gift from bruce. he also likes breathable nike running shoes, his favorite being a basic black pair.

Tags
headcanon batfam batman dick grayson damian wayne bruce wayne tim drake batfamily jason todd barbara gordon cassandra cain stephanie brown batkids
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spidermanspleenless - ˗ˏˋ jamie's blog ˎˊ˗
spidermanspleenless
˗ˏˋ jamie's blog ˎˊ˗

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