Someone Wanna Be ANA BUDDY?

caitblu

I’m lost. 

I want to work full time, but sitting in an office makes me lose my mind.

I want to feel better, but I don’t want to live.

I want to go to therapy, but I hate the way therapy makes me feel.

I want to speak out about mental illness, but I don’t want to talk about it.

I want someone to look after me, but I want to be completely independent.

I want to everyone to think I’m okay, but I want everyone to know how much pain I’m in.

I want to shout and scream from the top of my lungs, but I want to disappear.

I don’t want to be crazy, but I want to be different.

I want everyone to fuck off, but I’m terrified of being alone.

I want to be get good at looking after myself, but I don’t want to take time on it.

I want to stop drinking, but I want a drink.

I can’t.

When I say binge

I do not mean I over ate with a total of 1000 calories for the day.

I mean I went to the supermarket, accidentally.

I almost crashed driving home because I was too busy eating donuts

As if this food were my last.

I then heated microwaveable items first.

While

Eating an entire bag of chips

And dip. Before the timer for 2.5 minutes goes off.

Then licking every last bit of slimy oil off of my fingers before I realise it's too late

With cuts inside cheeks

Burnt tongues and fingers

Do I realize my mistake.

I now pour water into unwrapped chocolate to make it inedible and throw away my self esteem to the birds

But how can you explain to anyone that in a total of 15 minutes you consumed 2500 calories,

239 grams of carbs, 38 grams of protein, 139 grams of

Fat

I went to the beach today and saw the cutest couple. They were maybe 16, 17. The boy was tall and muscular with dirty blonde/ brown hair. He was very toned and attractive. The girl was shorter than him and thin, with long straight blonde hair. She wore a bikini which looked perfect on her thin frame. The boy scooped her off of her feet easily as if she weighed nothing at all and threw her into the water. They both laughed with their perfect smiles and playfully splashed in the water. They were both so happy. Maybe if you lost the weight, you’d be less self conscious. Maybe you’d be confident enough to have a good time. Maybe you’d get noticed by a cute guy. Maybe you’d be happy too.

My 20 reasons to lose 100lbs by August.

To finally be able to be confident in myself and not be ashamed of what i look like.

To make my friends slightly jealous cause i’m finally not the “fat” friend anymore

To prove everyone wrong

To finally be able to but name brand clothes and not stuff from walmart al the time.

To finally be in control.

To say, “i did it” when i reach my ugw

To look good in all photos that i take/that are taken of me.

To finally show all the guys i’ve liked who have turned me down, that they are missing out.

To jo longer disappoint my family.

To be able to wear baggy clothes and look good, not fat.

To show that you can do anything you put your mind to.

To be attractive.

To be lovable.

To be picked up and carried by guys if need be.

To be able to jump onto friends backs for piggy backs and not be afraid that i’m going to break them.

To sit down and not feel the rolls tumble over my waist

To finally have collarbones

To finally have hipbones

To be able to put my hair up and have it look good

To get rid of my double chin

caitblu

What i wanna look like.

Me... How will I look in a couple of months?