The Fact That I'm No Longer The Same Age As The Protagonists Of Novels And Films I Once Connected To

An interesting scene in tkm to me is when Neil dismisses Kevin on the bus to Binghamton.

It's the middle of the bus ride, and he's trying to decide where to sit after their rest stop as Kevin talks to them all about the stats of the team they're on their way to play. As he's making that decision it says he "felt trapped, stuck between what he wanted and what he needed, what he'd never have or be and what he had but couldn't keep."

The former of both oscillations, in my opinion, is referring to Andrew and what he feels with and for him and the team in general, and the latter are referring to exy and what Kevin could bring him to in this season and in the future as a pro.

Ultimately, he chooses Andrew, but in doing so Kevin reacts by telling him to stay and listen and "Remember that you gave me your game." Neil responds to this by saying that Kevin has given up on the team and "I'm taking my game back. I don't owe you anything."

This is Neil ending his deal with Kevin to keep playing despite knowing what is coming for him, right before he goes to do the same with Andrew.

The differences between these cutting of deals is compelling to me.

With Kevin it is more implicit in the "I'm taking my game back." In Kevin's anger and exasperation at Neil's "spoiled child" act, I don't think he recognizes what Neil is doing and meaning by ending their deal. It's not just 'Kevin gave up, so I don't owe him anything', it's Neil letting go of his ties as he prepares for what the "0" on his phone will bring.

Andrew, I believe, does recognize this. Neil ending their deal, framing it as "Let me learn to fight for myself." It is him once again cutting ties, but also releasing any blame for what is about to happen to him, especially since Andrew is very serious about his promises and so needs to be explicitly released from them if ever. Andrew doesn't know that the countdown has ended, or that there was one to begin with, but he can see that something has shifted for Neil in him asking for this. Just as he sees after their game from "the strain in Neil's mask." and the "Thank you. You were amazing."

Neil knew something was coming that day, what and when he wasn't certain, but the "0" was demonstrative enough. I think the way he ended those two deals displays a lot of his emotions towards those two things he valued.

He needed exy, but had already released the idea of keeping it. So he dismissed Kevin and anything he owed him in relation to their gameplay, still ending their deal but in a way that speaks of having understood when he started that it wasn't something that would last. He wanted safety and comfort and love, but didn't believe he'd ever have that life or be that person. So he asks Andrew to let him go, showing that he understands how Andrew works with deals, that he values him enough to end it before it's ended for them, and that their 'this' isn't something he expected to happen or knows how to want or be. Both are endings of deals, both are releases of blame, and both display to the recipients that something has changed for Neil, whether or not they recognize it.

But he chose to go to the back of the bus and to ask, he chose Andrew, even if it was only for whatever time he had left before the result of that "0".

i don't think in general it is concerning lol, but given Jean's mentality at the time... it just makes me wonder what he was imagining could be done to skin, his skin, with a peeler, by him or others. and that his instinct is to visualize that possibility by testing it on his finger...

dunno maybe i need to touch grass but it made me shiver reading it.

"Jean tested the edge of the peeler with his finger"

Jean's entire perspective in tsc is hard to get through, but this one line from Jeremy's pov just... *scream*

i'll leave it to your unwilling imagination

i personally think that even more significant than andrew letting neil touch him, is andrew touching neil.

we're in neil's pov so we obviously mostly see how andrew interacts with him, but andrew is very straightforward with his boundaries and very touch averse with everyone. most if not all instances of andrew touching other people are done out of violence or necessity, but from the beginning he touches neil voluntarily. bringing him down to his level, pulling him into his space, inspecting him, directing his attention, forcing neil back to himself, and eventually, out of affection and lust.

it's the touch before the first kiss that stands out the most to me though. maybe initially he's mostly scouting neil out for potential problems, but still. a man who trusts almost no one, who keeps everyone even his family at an arms length physically and emotionally, who portrays himself as completely apathetic even while drugged, who claims to want nothing, who has had touch used abusively against him for much of his life, purposefully initiates touching neil.

to me it shows even more his intentions and emotions, and attraction/interest, towards neil because he consistently chooses it himself, when he has chosen almost nothing solely for himself his entire life.

"this is nothing" pshh, right.

makes me heart wrenchingly giggly every time.

this was my bookmark for tsc and tgr btw hehe 😏😁

I really hope Nora writes the story she wants to tell. I really hope she doesn't feel she has to compromise her view to appease the fandom or a subset of it. This applies both for The Broken Cage and the Kevin books. I may not ship Kevin and Thea, but I'm excited to know her, to see how their relationship started and how they complement each other. Even if it's not my cup of tea, I'm willing to give a straight ship a chance lol. And idk, maybe we'll have a confirmation that Kevin is bi (we all know there's no hetero explanation for Kevin), and I wouldn’t mind if he ends up with Thea, as longs as it is interesting. Knowing Nora, it will be very, very interesting.

And hey, if we're sad that Kandreil or Kerejean or any other Kevin ship isn't canon, we can still fanfic our hearts away.

But I just really, really want Nora to do what she wants, and for us as fans of her and her work to respect that. I want her to have fun while writing, as her clear passion and enjoyment that gives these books that spice that we love so much. Whatever she has in store, I just can wait for it.

andreil :

if you want you can bite me and i won't move

you won't lose me to thunder or lightning, but you could to crowded rooms

if you love me, keep it to yourself

*screams*

"How do you read so many books??" I am simply trying to avoid reality, what are you doing

when in doubt, read fanfiction. when not in doubt, read fanfiction. honestly just read fanfiction it's the best.

One of my favourite dumb but funny moments in fantasy/sci-fi books or shows is when everything from the characters, the locations, the houses, to the animals have crazy weird names, like fantasy names that are basically just a bunch of syllables smooshed together, but then one of the main characters or even the main character has the stupidest real life name ever.

My favourite example: the Dune series. All the weirdest names under the sun for everything in that series and then one of the main characters name is Paul. Like why is his name Paul?? (i know there is actual story reasons for it but still) One of the worst white boy names ever imo. His last name is Atreides, and his first name is Paul?? Like we were apparently smart enough up to that point to comprehend all the other weird names but the main character had to be the most recognizable basic name ever. Like come on.

Hilarious and infuriating at the same time.

love love loved cody "bean" winter in tgr!! i loved seeing more of their personality and perspectives, and seeing their friendships with jeremy and jean and everyone else, and how they add significantly to jean's growth. however, i was a tad sad we didn't get to see more of them with pat and ananya. i know that it's their journey playing out of accepting the possibility of a future with the two of them, which is very interesting and understandable for the timeframe, but i missed seeing the trio interact. i for sure enjoyed the exploration of other side characters this book, but it kinda set aside the floozy grouping from tsc that i loved. hopefully the trio will find their way together next book🤞