Journal
Journal
And its all in my head, (our past, our future)
I can’t get you out of my head
Mind reader, you can see inside my head
Seeing you it all comes to a head
The thought comes into my head
I’ll love you until I’m dead
There’s a part of me that’ll always love you.
The part of me that’s still 13, the part of me that was the beginning of who I am now, not the child but the person. You watched the change, you changed yourself, and we survived that terrible process together, the death of the old us, the horrors of becoming, the fear and loneliness and hope and desire.
And that’s the foundation of who I am today, and you’re there too, imbedded in the cornerstone, along with all the joys and disasters, and I can’t not love you. I love you like I love summertime, or old musicals, or a favorite book. But it’s more than that. I don’t love you like a friend, or a brother, or a lover. Maybe I love you like I love myself. You’re a fragment. You’re a coin I flip, tails for a grudge and disappointment and bitterness, heads for overwhelming tenderness.
And our bodies never meet, you’re so careful to stay a few feet away, but the meeting of our minds is tangible enough for the brush of your fingers to seem irrelevant. And it’s so tragic and so romantic and then tragic again, isn’t it? You’re divorced and too young for that, I’m a virgin and too old for that, and we won’t say those words but we know it in the sidelong glances, in the shapes we draw around in our conversations.
In the scandalously intimate front seats of the car, in the dark and deserted corners on our evening walking, in the quiet of the galleries where we pick apart the art like it will tell us something about ourselves, I can’t bear to look at you for fear of what I’d do. And we’re two ships in the night, a long day together and then a long year apart, and maybe a year becomes forever, because despite our best efforts and egos we aren’t psychic, or perfect, but I think, I hope, we both want otherwise.
And I think about other things too, about your fingertips through my hair, about how we’d laugh, and it would be so strange, wouldn’t it? But if you were the last man on earth, I think we’d be grateful for the apocalypse to leave us to our own devices. And you’re nothing without an audience but I would laugh enough for a whole auditorium, just you and me and the end of the world. But these are foolish things, flights of fancy that die in the sunlight, in the statistics. So I stop thinking about them, about you. And I can go without thinking about you forever, but you’re always there anyway, in the map of my subconscious, in chess and in that christmas card, in showtunes and in shame and in shivers, in dialects and old sci-fi and always, always, in dreams. I hope I’m more than just an old face to you.
More Posts from Vocabulari and Others
Poems for a summer day:
Emily Dickinson
(my favourite poet)
A something In a summer's day
Summer shower
Further In summer than the birds
As sleigh bells seem In summer
It can't be "Summer"!
Summer for thee, grant I maybe
It will be Summer - eventually
I taste a liquor never brewed (the best poem ever)
The one who could repeat the summer day
What shall I do when the summer troubles
Ourselves were wed one summer - dear
So much summer
I know a place were summer strives
Would you like summer? Taste of ours.
There came a day at summer's full
Her final summer was it
Twice had summer her fair verdure
The trees like tassel - hit and swung by
John Keats
The Human Seasons
On the grasshopper and cricket
Shakespeare
Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day
Over hill, over dale - from A Midsummer Night’s Dream
William Wordsworth
Book Fourth [Summer Vacation]
Daffodils (not about summer, but gives me summer vibes)
The Solitary Reaper (again, not about summer, but gives me summer vibes)
Langston Hughes
Summer Night (not about summer, but brilliant poem)
Pablo Neruda
100 Love Sonnets
Poem XVI
Poem LI
Poem XCII
Charles Baudelaire
L’invitation au voyage
Amalgamation of Poems
(these poems are grouped in amalgamation not because they are in anyway less relevant than the others above, the poems below have not been read by me or had been read long ago.)
Moonlight, Summer Moonlight by Emily Jane Brontë
June by John Updike
Love Song, 31st July by Richard Osmond
Apples by Laurie Lee
Warm Summer Sun by Mark Twain
A Boat Beneath a Sunny Sky by Lewis Carroll
Fireflies in the Garden by Robert Frost
Midsummer, Tobago by Derek Walcott
A Green Thought by Katharine Towers
Adlestrop by Edward Thomas
When we got to the beach by Hollie McNish
Summer Stars by Carl Sandburg
Before Summer Rain by Rainer Maria Rilke
Morningside Heights, July by William Matthews
Miracles by Walt Whitman
Bed in Summer by Robert Louis Stevenson
Summer night, riverside by Sara Teasdale
The Idea of Order at Key West by Wallace Stevens
In Summer by Paul Laurence Dunbar
For once, then, something by Robert Frost
Summer Holiday by Robinson Jeffers
A boy and his dad by Edgar Guest
Long Island Sound by Emma Lazarus
Bath by Amy Lowell
Summer Morn in New Hampshire by Claude McKay
In the Mountains on a Summer day by Li Bai (personal favourite)
Backyard by Carl Sandburg
Idyll by Siegfried Sassoon
If you get there Before I do by Dick Allen
Fishing on the Susquehanna in July by Billy Collins
Indian Summer by Dorothy Parker
Fragment 31 (Jealousy) by Sappho (brilliant poem)
Constantinople by Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
Green by Paul Verlaine
From the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyám, quatrain IX
To Natasha by Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin
[These poems have an aspect of summer and definitely, most of them have addressed deeper issues through the appearance of a beautiful imagery of summer. This has been created from my own reading experience, google websites and recommendations from friends and professors. If you want me to add anything more, leave an ask or comment. Enjoy these beautiful poems and no hate please.]
Mood of The Night
listen. that feeling where you have a cold or something and suddenly your nose is all plugged up and you have to breathe through your mouth all night? and then it dawns on you that you took your nose for granted this whole time. yeah that feeling. cursed
Hello Void I went to the Lorde concert tonight and my life literally changed I am healed, so many bangers, divine unmatched vibes, top 10 life experience chefs kiss
I am so happy I don’t ever want this period of my life to end and I haven’t slept in 38 hours I’m afraid of losing even a second
Palllllllllllllls I haven’t slept in 30 hours and I’m flying home in 36 hours and my room is all packed and empty and blank and depressing and I still feel my amph high even though I took it 20 hours ago maybe bc I took the previous dose only 12 hours before thst so I had more in my system at once anyways I feel kinda loopy and euphoric over classical music Berlioz is my BABE what a bonkers king uwu that’s actually the first time I have ever used and uwu but I am looking around my room now and I may burst into tears I don’t want it to end??? I am aware I sound conked but also bro there is so much everything right now Jesus Lord Christ who I love please help me it’s all coming apart and I still have three finals to do 😘
Listen guys I love the raven cycle I am such a fan I have spent many hours reading and contemplating this book and being in love with every character but I gotta say my favorite quote and the one that sticks out to me the most is. In the dream thieves between Maura and Mr. Gray of all people, when he pulls the 10 of swords and they say, “you’re going to have to be brave” “I’m always brave” “braver than that” I think about those words every gotdan day and they actually motivate me so much anyway all this is to say that today I am going on my first run since freshman year of high school! 6 years! I will report what Emotion I am feeling at the end ✨
Guys I am doing my 10 year anniversary pure heroine listen and I know I have completely recovered from mental illness now because I listened to ribs and I didn’t even astral project, I just felt vaguely fond, and a little sad for the little me who related so hard to that song. 21 sure is different than 11 holy lord(e)
Today on doomed romance, we agreed that we care about each other but that it’s best we go our separate ways for now, I will not recover from this
Curse of crush on unattainable boy
lately, when I think of summer, I think of
being sixteen and overgrown backyards with their old fences and rusted latches that were no match for graceless feet and hands.
warm evenings spent on balconies with our backs pressed to brick or iron, old wood and secrets splintering between us.
breathing in chlorine and lilacs under the rustling shade of a maple tree, and wondering how long you’d smell like home.
long drives and old forts and even older rivers, and the way our legs dangled off the edge of the locks, palms pressed to concrete instead of together.
roadside restaurants and souvenir shops and the way we shared sodas and honeysticks, tasting each other the only way we knew how.
the way you said, “this was fun” and “I’m glad we met,” and the way I asked, “will I see you again?” and all you could do was smile.
lately, when I think of summer, I think of you.
tracking mississippi mud along the richelieu river
support me on ko-fi ☕
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22, she/her, I love words and also lots of other things and want to express my love for them unrecognized by others
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