Boy Crush - Blog Posts

"You lead me on. Through every word, every single text, you romanticized the idea of our friendship. You slowly gained my trust even after years of me not trusting people. I even said I'd take a bullet for you. You told me you'd stay, unlike the others. You told me you'd stay. You told me you'd stay. And I believed you.

And then you left.

Breaking every word that you ever said to me."

- Dreaming of Wolves // Spilled

I don't have a cool or interesting post today. Highschool sucks. I have no one. I'm so incredibly lonely it's not even funny. I got my heart broken for the 2nd time by the same person. It feels like the one millionth time. My heart aches. My eyes want to cry, but nothing will come out. The thing is, it's not his fault either. Maybe I just deserve it. Everything. I'm sorry self. I told you I would be better. But the crying won't stop. I'm sorry. When will this go away? When can I feel like me again? I don't even know who I am anymore. This isn't for attention. This is for myself. I tried comforting me, but instead, I'm falling apart.

This is my theme for today;

"She's going to sit alone. Right at that same table where she built it all. Her happiness, her courage, her perseverance, but most importantly, where she met all of her friends. Now it's all crumbling down to her fingertips. She closes her eyes and tries to dream herself away into a reality where all of that still exsists, but she can't. It's all blank without the real thing... Without the real them. Complete nothingness. She can't even remember their voices. Everything is fading away from her. And everytime, she blames herself for something that she couldn't control. They've all left now; her friends. The girl lifts her head and stares at them. They're all happy. They all prance around, discussing random topics she used to talk about with them all of the time. She even sees her crush holding hands with her best friend. They don't even notice her. All of them go sit at their new table, completely forgetting about what once was. She weakly smiled as tears fell down her cheeks. Her heart ached for them. For someone. But she had no one. She put her head back down and waited for an escape. She pulled her sketchbook and poetry journal closer to her. They may only be objects, but they are all she has now. She pours her heart out crying. She couldn't hold it in any longer. Her fears were reality, and she somehow had to stay strong in this. But how could she stay strong when she wasn't going to be remembered by any of them? Was it all pointless to make memories in the first place? She just wanted to disappear. She then heard whispers all around her. It sounded like her friends, but that couldn't be. She lifted her head up and rubbed her eyes. A boy with a pretend smile and a sympathetic gaze pulled me into a hug.

"You're going to be okay, we're all going to be okay. I promise."

She cried into his chest until they all gathered around her and tackled her into a group hug.

Her friends.

They were here.

"I'm sorry for the mess I've created," She shyly whispered, "haven't you forgotten me, yet? I would've."

"How could we forget about you?" A raven haired boy asked, "We've been right here the whole time."

- Dreaming of Wolves//Vent

(I just... Sobbed while writing this.)

breathe

TW- contains sensitive topic like panic attack, if you feel uncomfortable while reading feel free to not read and check out my other posts <3

It must suck doesn’t it, when everything in your life is against you and your on the verge of giving up in life.

Tears streamed down my tear stained cheeks, eyes and nose puffy. I was seated on the bathroom tiles with my knees close to my chest. It got difficult to breathe every passing second. My hands trembled as I went to grab the phone lying next to me. The screen lit up and my fingers moved fast along the screen searching for his contact name. 

“Hello” I heard his voice from the other side of the call after few rings. “L-Liam I-I-I can’t breathe properly” my voice shaky as I started stuttering followed by heavy breaths and hiccups. “I’m coming home right now love. Be on the call with me ok. Now just as we practiced last time- inhale.” My hands were shaking, legs fidgeting but I listened to Liam and held my breath. He heard me inhale as he was walking to his car, I suppose. “Good; now exhale.” I heard his engine start as I breathed out. His soothing voice filled my ears as it calmed me down slowly. 

“Now love can you repeat doing that for me? Focus on the little gaps between your heavy breaths it’ll help in reducing your hiccups and difficulty in breathing and don’t forget to close your eyes while doing that, ok.” “Ok” I replied to him focused on my breathing as he told me to do while closing my eyes. The sound of engine stopped and I heard the car door being shut. Liam was still on the call hearing my breathing, making sure I did the breathing exercise correctly and praised me for every breath I inhaled. 

I heard the front door open and soon did the bathroom door. Opening my eyes and looking up I met with his brown orbs. In no time I was picked up with his hands carrying me and supporting my legs and back as I cling on to him like a panda clinging on a zookeeper’s leg. My arms wrapped around his neck with puffy eyes and crying silently on his chest.

“You did so good sweetheart on controlling your panic attack while I wasn’t there with you” he said walking towards the bed. His scent filled my nostrils. He smelled like pumpkin and late autumn. He put me on the bed. “Did you drink water?” Liam asked and I turned my head indicating a ‘no’, with puffy eyes and red nose. He got me a glass of water. His eyes filled with love stared at my figure gulping water. Patting my back and keeping the glass on the nightstand he brought up the blankets on top of us and cuddling and telling me that I was safe now.

movie

The chilly November evening was telling us that winter was soon, as we snuggled up in the blankets that were laid on the couch. The warmth of our bodies preventing us from feeling cold. Our eyes fixed on the movie that was playing on the screen, legs intertwined. My eyes becoming drowsy and heavy each passing second of the movie. Was I tired? All I did was babysit some kids for five hours. “You sleepy?” they asked while rubbing my thigh gently and glancing at me. “Huh; no I’m just a bit tired” “Just a bit?” he asked while his other hand went on back drawing shapes and patterns. “Yeah” I leaned into his touch. He hummed at my response and switched off the tv. By now my eyes were struggling to stay open. “Damn you are way too tired, did the kids drain out all your energy?” he asks staring at my sleeping figure all coiled and cuddled up against his body with admiration. “Well I planned this Friday movie night today you know but it seems that you’ve already been done for the day.” Ian mumbles while walking towards the bedroom with me on his back clinging onto him like a koala. “mhmm” is all I can reply back. He placed me on the bed gently and made sure I didn’t sleep in a weird way that may lead to body pain. He gets into the bed after switching off the lights and pulls the blanket on top of us. I feel the other side of the bed sink, I move from my place and wrap my arms around him with our legs intertwined. Snuggling my way in the crook of his neck his scent filled up my nose calming me down. Ian started massaging my head and my eyes could not stay awake, neither can he sleep due to my slow breathings on his neck. Our eyelids become heavy each passing second and we finally drift off into our dream land.

a/n- thanks to a friend of mine for editing <3

poetry every day. day 11

things i’ve been missing

i wish that i could dream about you forever

maybe it could become a reality

never say never

you’re the main thing that i’m missing

the way we get so close to kissing

all those unfinished conversations

how we’d get into complications

you’re the main thing i’ve been missing

those eyes that guided mine

taking your clothes off in my mind

you were my hyper coloured crush

i hate how you never rushed

i saw that as a sign

that you don’t want to be mine

so my honesty will only stay in a dream

because there you can never leave

you’re the main thing i’ve been missing

and i’ve been thinking

have you been missing me?