Bpd Culture - Blog Posts

Who am i?

(Just a little vent, TW a single mention of selfharm and suicide in the end.)

In one moment i feel nothing at all, i found comfort in it.

Then, someone talks in another voice, and my mind gets crashed by selfhate and believing anyone is fooling with me. That often triggers Splitting, rage or depression.

No matter wich bpd episode; boredom, euphoria, anger, sadness, frustration, Splitting, lovesick, anxiety, dissociating, overthinking..

In big crows i am always on fight or flight.

Every single one feels so wrong, so different. Overwhelmingly and unbearable, causing my body to hurt and feel so weak.

Afterwards my mind feels so dead, guilty and ashamed. Like i don't think at all but still think so much if somebody can understand that.

If people ask what my Traits are, how could i say 'caring' if only care in a few of these episodes?

How can I say I will always listen? I really want to, but if I am in episodes i can't listen anymore.

What can i tell them, what wouldn't get destroyed by a episode?

What can i tell myself?

The only thing that stays with every damn episode is the thought of suicide or selfharm. But that's something rarely someone I meet will ever find out.

I know, I am more than bpd. We all are more than this illness.

Yet, from time to time i can't help it and ask myself, who am I.

Take care <3

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

Something that definitely isn't talked enough about as a symptom from many borderliners are Hallucinations.

I myself have auditory hallucinations. Its really weird but luckily not scaring me yet.

Romantisized Borderline.

If you have bpd this may triggers you!

Why the fuck would people even do that?

"I wan't a borderliner as my significant other."

No you don't. Its hell for you and for them.

You want someone who is absolutely obsessed, to the point just a wrong breath make them think you hate them.

You want someone who's probably is suicidal, self-destructive and self harming? "I can fix them." No you can't. Neither i think you can stop them.

You want someone that is extremly lovingly and affectionate only to become distant, ignoring and maybe even offensive in a eyeblink because they got triggered into Splitting or rage?

You want someone that probably feels offended if you need time for yourself or do spend time with your friends and don't answer your phone.

You want someone that may shouts and yells in one moment, only to cry and feel guilty in the next moment, maybe begging you to stay?

You do realise that its not just from time to time, but every fucking day? If they have a bad day's maybe even hourly moodswings?

You want just to help them? Thank you, but that's not your task in a relationship/friendship. Take care of yourself because the chance that you just ruin yourself is high.

Fuck, imagine cuddling in bed in a comfortable silence, they overthought something and suddenly push you off, just because a single though.

Wanna know what the worst is?

Maybe you noticed that I am extremely aware of my bpd. But that doesn't mean i can change, or fix myself. Because with the sudden overwhelming emotion, my mind is drowning in things like selfhate and that everyone will leave, no more awareness or control. I think its like that for many borderliners.

Please don't romantisize something people are suffering from. Thank you.

Can you help the hopeless?

Well, I'm begging on my knees

Can you save my bastard soul?

Will you wait for me?

I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover.

Forgive me, father, I love you, mother.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

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Love this song. Its my comfort song since years, seemingly to perfectly describe how i feel.