Dive Deep into Creativity: Discover, Share, Inspire
This is the first fic I've ever written and posted, and I literally woke up at 1 AM to write it, only to immediately fall back asleep once I was done. I hope to write more in the future, especially when I get back from my 5ish month hiatus around the end of November, so let me know how I did!
I just talked about a headcanon in the comment section of a fic that I just read, and realized that maybe I should post it here too.
In the fic ("who you are" by mipmaps on A03) Will ends up offering the surname 'Treaty' to Halt, who accepts, which I am absolutely in love with because of the headcanon that I am about to share with you guys.
I feel like Halt sees the surname "O'Carrick" as a curse, especially when he considers how miserably and/or tragically every O'Carrick (that we know of) has lived and died.
~ Halt mentioned that his parents argued all the time and were pretty much straight-up neglectful to everyone but Ferris. (I also headcanon that they were abusive, but I'll go more in-depth about that another time).
~ Ferris was so blinded by greed that he tried to kill his twin brother multiple times over a throne, and did so terribly at being king that he was most beloved by the people when that same twin was pretending to be him - not to mention that when he finally started to do better, he was instantly murdered for it.
~ Caitlyn spent her childhood being neglected and forced to grieve as the one person who truly cared for her apparently died, and she was the only one who really knew who was behind it. She also spent her whole life being sickly, and it was eventually what killed her, leaving her son (who I'm sure Halt was grateful didn't carry the same name) alone with her snake of a brother.
~ And Halt. He was also neglected his whole childhood to the point of being so afraid of hurting his parents' relationship that he would rather run away and leave everything he had ever known and loved behind then tell his parents that his brother was trying to kill him. Speaking of, his twin brother - with whom he spent his entire childhood, and loved in a way that only twins can - tried to murder him on three separate occasions for a throne he didn't even want in the first place. Shortly after this, Halt lost the man who he had come to see as a father, and had to deal with the survivor's guilt brought on by being saved by Will's parents, and leaving Will himself orphaned. He also didn't tell a soul about who he really was until literal decades later. He had to give up a second home in order to save his son apprentice that he felt responsible for losing in the first place (whom he has almost lost multiple times - the majority of which he felt responsible for). Then, he lost the man that he considered a brother (or perhaps a lover????). Not to mention the fact that by book 8 - aside from Sean - his whole family was dead.
I feel like Halt was bittersweet about his standing as the last of the O'Carricks. One reason, is he's glad no one else has to carry the burden of the (in his mind) cursed name. A part of him however, wonders if perhaps Halt was the curse all along. That was another reason that Halt didn't offer Will the O'Carrick name at his graduation, he was afraid that sharing a surname with Will would leave his former apprentice vulnerable to his curse.
When Will first offered his surname to Halt, the older ranger teared up, and Will was startled when Halt seemed to be on the verge of breaking down.
Before Will could start apologizing, Halt found himself pouring out all of his thoughts about the curse that he had feared his whole life, and his fear of inflicting it on Will and causing him the same misery. Will was completely stunned, because the only other times Halt had been this vulnerable were when he was telling Will about his mother, and when he spoke about his own childhood, and even then, those times were nothing like this. He had never heard this self-loathing from his teacher before but as he processed the words, he realized that it must have been hidden deep within Halt all this time.
Will took Halt's hands in his own, cutting off the older ranger's uncharacteristic rambling, and looked deep into his stricken eyes. "Halt," his quiet voice cut through Halt's mind like an arrow, "You are many things, but a curse is not one of them." Halt's eyes misted over, and it was all he could do to maintain eye contact. Will had never seen this level of vulnerability and hurt in his teacher's gaze, and he would do anything to take his pain away.
"You are not a curse, or a burden, or a monster, and it is not your fault that things with your family turned out the way that they did. You were as much of a victim as they were, if not more so." Here, Will took a deep breath, and bent slightly to maintain eye contact with the Hibernian whose dark gaze had drifted downwards to hide his shame. "Do you know what you are?" The soft question was rhetorical, for Will needed no one to give him answers besides his own heart and memories, "You are a protector, a kind soul, and the greatest man I have ever known. And I am proud beyond belief to call you my friend, mentor, and father."
At this, Halt's gaze snapped back up in shock. How could Will still say that after seeing him like this? After all the broken promises, and the hurt and heartache cause by simply being associated with the former prince? However, before he could speak his thoughts, Will plowed on. "I offer you my surname, not out of a sense of debt or obligation, but because I love you, and I wish for the world to know that we are family, and nothing - no self-believed curse, no painful pasts, and certainly no self doubt - will ever stop me from seeing you as my father. I offer my name because I see how much pain your own brings you, and if I can do even one thing to show you the same care you have always showed for me, then I will gladly do so."
By this time, tears had begun to flow freely down Halt's face, and Will's own eyes burned as well. Slowly, Halt nodded and whispered his acceptance which Will had to strain to hear. The younger ranger pulled his father into a strong yet warm embrace that he could only hope expressed the love he had for the slight man before him.
As Halt melted into the embrace, he felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and though it would never truly leave him, the pain of his curse finally melted away as accepted the family he had feared for so long.
I might elaborate further on some of these later, and I definitely have more than I'm posting this time around. Let me know what you guys think. I love having conversations about this shit
~ Will has found that the best way to ground himself during panic attacks or hard days since returning from Skandia is to hold a warm hand and a mug of coffee. He wasn't allowed to have coffee as a slave, and while Cassandra (then Evanlyn) held his hand, hers was always cold
~ Halt has a hard time sleeping because he is constantly plagued by nightmares. When Will was taken, he started having them about his death, and how the apprentice would blame Halt for being too slow
~ Halt is actually ambidextrous. He was born left-handed, but his parents forced him to learn to use his right hand due to left-handedness being seen as a sign of the devil. He still prefers to do a lot of things with his left hand though
~ Crowley is an only child. His parents tried for years, and it was only after they had given up that his mom became pregnant with Crowley. He is close with his parents, but he was unable to talk to them at all after Pritchard was banished up until Morgorath was defeated out of fear of putting them in harm's way
~ It was never diagnosed, (because, yk, the middle ages), but Halt actually has POTS syndrome. It wasn't too bad when he was younger, he would get out of bed and black out sometimes, or he would stand up and have to freeze for a moment until his head and vision cleared, and doing extreme exercises was fine, but walking up the castle steps could only be done with controlled deep breathing. However, in the last year of Will's apprenticeship, it seemed to get worse. The first time he full-on passed out in front of someone, he and Will had made camp, Halt had stood up only to collapse back to the ground. Will was frantic, and practically cradled Halt in his lap until he became responsive again about 12 minutes later
>> Will had never been that terrified in his life, because it was the only time that Halt was ever completely unresponsive when it was just him and Will throughout his whole apprenticeship. The guilt of that terror was what convinced Halt to see a healer (though it didn't do any good)
~ Pauline is 100% open to the idea of bringing Crowley into her and Halt's relationship, but they are both too scared to bring it up to her, so she has to do everything herself
~ He would only say this under threat of imminent death, but Arald sees Halt as a younger brother, mind you, a younger brother who constantly causes chaos and deserves to be cuffed around the ear sometimes, but still
~ Alyss once punched someone in the face and threatened their life for insulting Will behind his back
~ Before KoC, Will played a Hibernian ballad at a ranger gathering, but never noticed Halt slipping away with tears in his eyes, as he had picked one of Caitlyn's favorite songs
~ Believe it or not, Halt is actually incredibly ticklish. Will and Gilan learned this after Crowley pinched his sides at a gathering and Halt shrieked and leapt into the air. They will never let him live it down, and Crowley is obsessed with the weakness, finding it absolutely hilarious and adorable
~ Horace cried the first time he held Maddie. Then Will came to meet her, and he cried even more
~ Halt's regular handwriting is a strange mix between cursive and print, but he can copy anyone else's handwriting with little more than a glance. It's a skill that exasperates anyone who has to read his reports, because if they annoy him beforehand, he'll use their own handwriting
~ Before coming to Araluen, Halt had never seen a snake before, and his unfortunate first meeting was with the renegade rangers when a (fortunately non-venomous) snake got tangled in his blankets and he woke everyone else up screaming absolute bloody murder. Since then, he always freezes at the sight of a snake, and Crowley tells the story any time he's reminded of it
Whatever you do, don't think about how the song "Remember Everything" by Five Finger Death Punch fits Halt and his childhood trauma to a T.
I'm not going to go into a full analysis. I'm not going to go into a full analysis. I'm not going to go into a full-
FULL ANALYSIS AHEAD (disclaimer: "Remember Everything" does not belong to me)
"Dear mother, I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. Dear father, forgive me. Cause in your eyes, I just never added up. In my heart I know I failed you, but you left me here alone."
Halt talks about how Ferris was the favorite child, and how his parents fought all the time. We all know by now about Halt's tendency to blame himself for things (as seen in "The Battle for Skandia" and "Erak's Ransom"). He probably blamed himself for his parents arguing all the time - hell, he literally said that he refused to tell his parents that Ferris was actively trying to kill him because he thought that Ferris was the only thing they cared about and he didn't want to take that away from them. Even though it was his choice, Halt was a kid. He probably felt at least a little bit abandoned and betrayed that his parents didn't seem to even notice anything amiss before Halt ran away.
"If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? Cause I remember everything."
Something else that is touched on in the fourth book is Halt's tendency to deflect conversations that confront him on his fears and such. It's a fairly offhand note, but it has some pretty big implications. Halt has this need to make sure that everyone else is okay, while simultaneously ensuring that no one ever sees his suffering. He is constantly shielding other people, and feels guilty when he requires that same protection.
"Dear brother, just don't hate me for never standing by you, or being by your side."
I refuse to believe that Ferris was the murderous evil twin from the start. There was probably a very large portion of heir childhood where Halt and Ferris were close, before Ferris became obsessed with the crown. That would be a good reason why Halt only suspected Ferris later on. I feel like Halt would spend a lot of time telling himself that it was something he did that sent Ferris over the edge, and he would blame himself for the betrayal.
"Dear sister, please don't blame me. I only did what I thought was truly right."
I can't be the only one who thinks that Halt always regretted leaving Caitlyn behind, but he knew it was either that or kill Ferris, which is something I don't think he would ever be capable of doing. He loved his twin too much.
"It's a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone."
I know that Halt wasn't technically alone, and he became part of a massive found family, but not being able to tell anyone about the things he went though, and the people he left behind as well as his reasoning would have been isolating - if not crushing - for anyone. Hell, no one knew his real last name or anything about his past for just about 24 years. Not even mentioning the fact that when he finally admits it, he is 41 years old, so he has hidden this for well over half his life, not counting the 17 years he actually lived in Clonmel. That is a long time to carry around huge amounts of trauma without telling anyone who cares about you.
"I feel like running away, I'm still so far from home."
This one is fairly obvious. However, it is not talked about nearly enough that Halt is a runaway. Let that sink in for a second. What do you think of when you hear the term 'runaway' in reference to a child? For most, it's the thought of a kid escaping an abusive household and living on the streets with nothing but a backpack filled with belongings. That was what Halt did at 17. Except he had to go all the way to a foreign country to escape his situation. And the only person he ever saw from home again was the person who had made him leave in the first place.
"I'll burn it all to the ground before I let you in."
This is pretty much Halt's whole philosophy on showing any sort of emotion to people. He didn't smile around Will until months into his apprenticeship, and it took years until he was able to summon the courage to tell Will the truth about his mother. And again, the whole 24 years of absolute secrecy about his childhood doesn't exactly show someone that is willing to open themselves up to others.
"Please forgive me, I can't forgive you now."
Halt still blames himself for the rift between himself and Ferris, but he is also consumed by hurt and betrayal over the fact that Ferris cared more for the crown then he did his own brother, and I can't blame him even a little bit for feeling that way. Especially considering that when they do finally meet up again, Ferris shows no real sign of regret for his actions.
All-in-all, this just feels like a violently Halt-esque song. The pain and regret is something I think his character suffers a lot of, and this captures that really well.
If you made it to the end of that ungodly ramble, kudos to you because holy hell, I think I was temporarily possessed by the god of angst.