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Dear God That Was Hilarious - Blog Posts

2 weeks ago

imagine being 15 (terrible) and you live in a basement and are only allowed outside every once in a while under strict conditions (isolating) and then you watch your father get literally torn apart by demons (traumatizing) and then a bunch of strangers inform you that you are genetically one of those cultlike child soldiers that your dad always warned you about (migraine inducing) so now you have to go to their weird house in the middle of nowhere and live with the other child soldiers (frightening) and then the brain short circuitingly attractive guy who held you at knifepoint keeps sleeping outside your door and he and his sister keep following you everywhere (SCREAM???) and then some college aged guy shows up while you're collecting stuff to sell when you run away and announces that not only are you a child soldier but your ancestors were like famous and he's basically jesus and also your only living blood relative, and then busts you for stealing and gives you a therapy speech about how you shouldn't throw your life away (HUH???????) and then a bunch of annoying bigots come into the house and keep yapping at you about their shitty ideology (migraine inducing part 2) and also the government is falling apart, you're having your bisexual awakening at a REALLY inconvenient time, there's some guy committing heinous crimes against nature to raise his girlfriend from the dead but then he dies and turns into a demon magnet, you get multiple concussions, and a bunch of strange arcane mystical figures keep ominously trying to figure out why you look familiar (WTF)

also it's been 1 week


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