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Haunted Houses - Blog Posts

walrus-tusk-615bc
7 months ago
Howdy! Happy Halloween! (...or close enough lmao). I'm here to tell and teach y'all about the rules of something I've had the joy of being a part of for the past few years now... Haunted Houses! Thus, this will be a do's and don'ts list for haunting!
Security and safety. 1. Nothing is real. Not in the derealism sense, don’t worry. I’m talking about how everything around you in a haunted house is meticulously crafted and put together to be as scary and possible. But always remember that one word; Crafted. Nothing, in the entirety of a haunt, is the scary environment that your brain thinks it is. All of the big, scary monsters are just people in costumes, people who have their own life and are here for the fun of scaring people without harm. All of the scary props are fake, there is no actual blood, gore, or dead bodies. All weaponry like machetes, knifes, and chainsaws are also fake, with most being made of plastic to deter injury. (In fact, we can’t even use real chainsaws inside, even with the teeth removed, because the exhaust is dangerous. We use electric, fake ones instead.) What I’m trying to say is— its all imaginary! Make believe! You aren’t in any danger, but your brain makes it think you are! While some people understand this, it’s easy to forget while getting chased down a hallway by someone with a (fake) chainsaw. But it’s always a good thing to remind yourself when you’re in an especially scary part of a haunt. (Plus, it’s a good segway into my next points!)
2. Stop fucking touching stuff. Almost everything inside of a haunted house (or, at least mine) is either handmade, antique, or thrifted. In all, it can be fragile. No, it’s not real flesh on a plate, it’s painted and glossed spray foam with painted glass eyeballs; If you poke it and expect it to be squishy, your finger will go through the foam and ruin it. Don’t touch it. That is an antique typewriter in front of your. I know it’s cool. We can tell if you try to fuck with it cause A. We have cameras, and B. All of the keys will be stuck and we will have to fix it ourselves. Don’t touch it. That is not a mannequin or fake body that your gripping. That is me, pretending to be a mannequin/fake body to scare you when you leave. We both will be uncomfortable when you notice that you’re groping and actor, not a stuffed corpse. Don’t touch it- uh- me.
3. Fight vs Flight vs Freeze. AKA: please stop trying to punch my coworkers, they are not monsters they work at Walmart. A. Fight, don't fucking do this. When someone jumps out and scares you, and your first instinct is to bring up your fists or even swing, you should not be in a haunted house. I’ve seen (and have had) way to many black eyes and bruises from people who swing instead of think. B. Flight, we expect this, but c'mon. Note: this isn’t about parts of a haunt where you’re getting chased, that’s when you’re supposed to run! But when you and your group sprint through a room, knocking everything over when I haven’t even done anything to scare you, that’s when it’s annoying. C. Freeze, best outcome! For me, the best scares that I get out of people is when they freeze up! That way I know you won’t try and knock me out and accidentally get destructive with my room.
Health and Hygiene. 1. Know your ailments! I cannot say this loud enough, if you have epilepsy or just have issues with loud noises, flashing lights, or have heavily impaired vision, I HIGHLY suggest you avoid haunted houses. Not only that, but if you have athsma or any sort of respiratory illness, the smog machines that some haunts have installed can be irritating to the lungs and sinuses. A majority of haunts are not wheelchair accessible due to tight passageways and turns, but may be accessible to those using crutches or canes. In rare cases, though, haunts can have stairways to a basement or upper levels, making traversal much harder. Always research before going!
2. Please shower and deodorize. Listen I get you sometimes can’t control how you smell (like if you work on a farm, slaughterhouse, or in a vet clinic) but if you have the chance, slap on some deodorant and take a shower. With love, an actor whos whole scare for a while was going up and audibly sniffing people. 3. Please do not be under the influence wtf. This is probably a lot more common for my haunt cause I live in a state known for its heavy drinkers. Listen, I know how it’s fun to go out drinking with friends, but please don’t bring it here. Best case scenario you will be a little funny while you go through, worse case is that you completely forget that you got kicked out and banned for public indecency and punching a mannequin. Just don’t. I am begging, on my hands and knees, that you do not even contemplate doing hallucinogenics in a haunted house. What is wrong with you. I know stories where people go through hell while in their BEDROOM. But through a HAUNT?? YOU WILL DIE. A large majority of haunt workers/actors have little to no emergency experience, so we will have no idea what to do if your heart stops or if you start having a stroke. DO NOT.
4. PLEASE don't bring kids. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really fun to see families come through having a good time, I’m talking age-wise. Teens (12-17). Perfectly fine! It’s really common to see families with their teen kids come through, and everyone is usually having a great time! (Or scared shitless) It’s even pretty common for groups of high schoolers/ older teens to come through without supervision. Kids (4-12). This is where we begin to judge you. I get that some kids will beg and cry to be allowed to come with, but a haunted house may actually scar them if they’re on the younger side. Not only are all the loud noises and lights WAAYYY to much stimulation for a child, but the scares can give them nightmares and a few more years of wet mattress syndrome. 90% of the time, no child coming through is having fun. Infants/babies (0-4). WHAT. THAT IS A BABY. PLEASE do not bring infants to a haunted house you WILL scar that poor baby, especially if you don’t know a lot about their physical ailments that may be triggered by the lights, noises, or smoke in a haunt. LEAVE THEM HOME! (YES THIS HAS HAPPENED)
Experience and enjoyment. Remember, while we create the enviroment, you form your own expirence! You have the decisions on how to act in or perceive the huanted house! Take advantage of that! You wanna sprint through completely blind? Sure! You wanna joke and have fun with actors and friends? Go for it! You wanna focus on the craftmanship of different decorations? I encourage it! Always remember, this is an experience! One that you pay for and we hope you have an amazing time with! With that, I’m done! I hope you all have an amazing time getting scared shitless in your local haunt!

A PSA/guide for your haunt-going!

Lovingly handmade by your local haunted house actor for your needs :3

Tags
my art psa halloween haunted house this has been a psa haunted houses Wally’s rambles I know this was posted way to late in the season don’t look at me better late then never i guess
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maysgarden
2 years ago

Voting as Fire Extinguisher

by Kyle Tran Myhre

When the haunted house catches fire: a moment of indecision.

The house was, after all, built on bones, and blood, and bad intentions.

Everyone who enters the house feels that overwhelming dread, the evil that perhaps only fire can purge.

It’s tempting to just let it burn.

And then I remember: there are children inside.

Tags
poetry OH GOD haunted houses
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