Space Australia - Blog Posts

You know what kills me? Artificial flavors. The notion that somewhere, sometime, there was a rogue blue raspberry. I’ve never seen this fictitious blue raspberry. I have no idea what a blue raspberry should taste like. I know what blue raspberry candy tastes like.

How about apple? Watermelon? Grape? Grape flavored cough syrup? More like fake Concord grape abomination. Yet we accept that this is what they represent. No one believes that watermelon candy actually tastes like watermelon, but if you blindfolded someone and had them eat some, they’d say it was watermelon.

H O W ? ? ?

“Hey, Menah-Tal, I got some candy in a package from home. Do you want to try some?”

Menah-Tal took the bright yellow wrapped candy from Brett. He started to put it in his mouth before Brett stopped him.

“Unwrap it first. There’s a joke on here too - eh, it wouldn’t make sense.”

Menah-Tal gingerly “unwrapped” the candy and took the sticky substance out. These humans. How do they tell what is edible and what isn’t? Menah-Tal watched wistfully as Brett put the tasty-looking wrapper in garbage receptacle. Menah-Tal put the candy in his mouth and sucked on it thoughtfully.

“What is this supposed to taste like on your world, Brett?”

“Banana.”

“Ah.” Menah-Tal continued to suck sagely. “So that’s what ‘banana’ tastes like.”

“Well, it doesn’t actually taste like banana.”

Menah-Tal blinked his three eyes slowly. Why. Why is everything so complicated.

“We had a banana crisis back in the fifties. The banana flavor you’re tasting is modeled after an extinct variety. The only kind we have now doesn’t taste much like that at all.”

Menah-Tal struggled to open his mouth now that the candy had cemented itself around his teeth.

“So your kind has a sweet substance that they eat for enjoyment that is flavored to taste like an extinct fruit?”

Brett shrugged.

“Yup.”

Menah-Tal licked his finger.

“Sounds about right.”

We abducted humans.

To be fair, we abducted members of every new race. Abduct a small percentage of the population, expose them to some galactic prisoners, and we get a good idea of what germs, diseases, and viruses will make the jump between races. Do this over the course of a [roughly equivalent to a century], and you get a good idea of what there is, how quickly it mutates, etc. You also have the time to develop vaccines for any races that might be affected by the new race (including itself- we’re not heartless).

But we underestimated humans.

It was [roughly equivalent to four decades] into our testing of humanity. We picked up a human from his transport and placed him in a containment cell. He had some nutrients with him, and we picked that up too: less we had to feed him later.

But we underestimated the resourcefulness of humans.

Something went wrong- we think it was a door malfunction- and he escaped the cell. He disabled the guards easily (we suspect they were less alert than they should have been) and took their weapons. We locked all hatches, hoping to seal him in the laboratory wing. Unfortunately, he hacked the shipboard computer, gaining control of all systems. He made his way to the bridge, where he took the captain hostage. We offered him riches, technologies beyond human understanding.

But we underestimated the stubbornness of humans.

He was paid us no mind as he wrestled with the controls, as if on some quest. He punched numbers and figures into the console, and mumbled something about ‘being lit on fire’ by a superior. He set the ship down on the other side of the city from where he was picked up and opened the doors. We braced ourselves for a military confrontation, but it seemed like we were outside another human’s abode. He jumped out, carrying the nutrients with him.

We underestimated Domino’s 30-minute or free guarantee.

Can you even imagine being the poor alien sod responsible for auditing an earthling spaceship’s spending allowance? Like: 

“I see, and why do you require many tubes of white plant flavoured paste?” 

“Oh well, if we don’t rub that on our teeth twice daily the bacteria living in my mouth will begin to devour me teeth.” 

“…Noted.” 

“I have also noticed several large shipments of specific medications, and a variety of individually packaged absorbent material - however injury records do not show sufficient numbers to justify these recurrent deliveries.” 

“Ah, yeah, it’s not really an injury per say. As part of our natural reproductive cycle approximately half the population will shed the lining of one of their internal organs and expel it.”

“…that is the most horrifying thing that I have ever heard.”

“Yeah.”

“Does such a process not hurt?”

“That’l be what the medication’s for. Pain killers for the cramps, birth control to stop the process.” 

“…and your reasoning behind the fully functional, high-tech entertainment system?” 

“Okay, that we could probably do without. But in our defence that was actually insisted on as a standard feature of all fleet-ships expected to encounter Terrans. Admiral Plo’Kaght insisted on it. Something about bored humans and a an illegal betting ring featuring a cleaning robot with a knife strapped to it going up against a human with a mop?” 

“…I believe I should speak with my superiors.” 

Another “ humans are weird idea “

Imagine how the aliens would react to Halloween decorations.

Like , they come to visit and everything is going fine , humans are so interesting , look mostly kind and not threatening. And then they just see how a human begins to decorate their house with dead caskets of humans and other parts . Of course they notice it’s fake but still the fact that these beings just casually drop off the representation of a dead human somewhere around their living habitat and seem to enjoy it ..... horrors aliens .Not to mention some other humans that buy specialy made food that looks like - their- organs ,and eat it .

Yeah my Greek family always says ‘close the lights’ or ‘shut the lights’ instead of ‘turn off the lights’ and I’ve been hearing that since I was little so it honestly sounds perfectly normal to me lol.

In terms of my own blunders: 

for some reason my brain likes French articles (le, la, les) better than any others, so I have this weird thing where I keep trying to use French articles when speaking English or Greek. 

random everyday words that get used a lot, like hello and good morning and thank you, are very easy to mix up for some reason. Sometimes I say ‘merci!’ without even thinking about it in an English-speaking environment or I have to consciously stop myself from saying ‘γεια σασ!’ (hello) to some poor random friend who will have no idea what I’m saying...

English is my first and most fluent language, but there are random words that I learned in greek or french first, and it just sounds really weird to me to say them in English. The most egregious example of this is the word chamomile, like chamomile tea. Saying kam-oh-meel sounds so utterly weird to me that I actually have to pause before I say it out loud in english. The greek word for it is χαμομηλι, pronounced sort of like hah-moh-mee-lee (chamomili). It makes no sense if I try to use the greek pronunciation in the middle of an english sentence, but saying it in english sounds so odd that I sometimes just avoid the word. 

when I forget the french word for something so I switch to english to try and explain to someone who speaks french but knows a little english and we puzzle it out together

there was one time I was trying to ask someone how to say ‘please’ in italian except for some reason I forgot the word please and could only remember it in french and greek (s’il vous plait and παρακαλο, respectively) so I was standing there for a few moments like a nitwit while I tried to remember how to say please in English

On occasion, my Opa will be speaking Dutch to another of our Dutch-speaking family members, then turn to me and start jabbering to me in Dutch, conveniently forgetting that the extent of my Dutch knowledge is like, ten words. (It was particularly funny one time when he did this to my mother, who, being from the Greek side of the family, has absolutely no reason to know any Dutch.)

Also I am strongly reminded of this hilarious post which I originally encountered on @space-australians

im going to have a stroke