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Dear Fives,
I have a bit of a dilemma. After reading all of your insightful, informative and thoroughly entertaining replies to other lovesick readers, I think you're just the person to help me.
I've had an eye on a certain clone trooper for a while now, but I just can't seem to get a good read on him. I work as a physician on Pabu, and there are a group of clones who live here. You may know them as 'The Bad Batch'? There is a certain sniper among them who has caught my attention.
He's tall, and handsome, and although he tries to put on a tough front, I know he has a kind heart. His softer side shows through from time to time, especially around his little sister. He can also be rather grumpy, but I find it endearing. I could talk about him all day... but that's not what I am trying to accomplish by writing to you.
Although I have been rather taken by his taciturn nature, it is that very trait that makes him so hard to read. We've spent a lot of time together: he often walks me home from my clinic in the evenings, and I've managed to run into him a few times around Pabu. We always talk and it's always enjoyable... but whenever I suggest meeting in a more purposeful way, he makes his excuses and scurries off. Or as well as a man of his stature can scurry anyways, but I digress.
I suppose, after all that exposition, my question to you, dear, dear Fives, is how on earth am I supposed to figure this man out? I've tried to be patient, but at this point, I do wish for an answer. I sorely hope it is the one I seek, but even if it's not, anything would be better than dancing around the subject like we tend to do.
Help me, dearest Fives. You are my only hope.
Best Wishes,
Arlo
Editor's note: Got a question for Fives? Read the rules here. My ask box will close in 12 hours. I was so excited to see that this is from Arlo!! I’m so glad your lovely OC has decided to swing by Fives’ advice column <3
Dearest Arlo,
You call it a dilemma. I call it an opportunity.
I am unfortunately acquainted with The Bad Batch. I actually quite like them all (my editor too, especially a certain Hunter-Gatherer) except for The Biting Child. You refer to her as the little sister.
Do not be deceived by her supposed kindness. It is all an act. I must warn you that she bites. It’s important you are aware of this because if you’re about to get close to Crosshair, you’re going to be around her a lot. I’ve been told she only bites because she’s protective of those she loves but I’ll let you read between the lines.
Your Crosshair is such a sweetheart. It’s true that he hides behind the tough bad boy exterior, but he truly has a heart of gold. Please do not feel the need to stop talking about him. That’s what I’m here for - to listen!
I think that there is only one way to approach this and that’s to be blunt with Crosshair. If he keeps making excuses then it’s a sign that he is not ready for a relationship. You should not be chasing after someone who won’t recognise your value and accept your advances.
However, it is also important to balance that with realising that some people need a bit more time and coaxing. It’s a tough balance, I won't lie.
Knowing his personality and his history, I think he has a hard time connecting with new people and learning to trust them. That being said, his actions are all very positive so far. He’s choosing to spend time with you and talk to you. 99% of the time (pun intended but the statistic is true) he will grunt at someone then walk off. It’s clear that he genuinely likes you.
You need to tell Crosshair in no uncertain terms that you like him and you get the feeling that he might reciprocate such feelings. Tell him that you would like to explore a relationship and that it does not need to move fast if that’s what he needs to feel comfortable. I would tell him what ideas you have for a first date. That way, it takes away some of the nerves on his end if he is planning to say yes. Crosshair will appreciate knowing that you've thought through all of the details.
The other thing to consider is when and where to do this. I suggest one night when he walks you home that you invite him inside for caf or something to eat. Once you’ve both got a cup in hand, I’d ask him out. That way he cannot easily scurry off.
I personally think he has feelings for you. However, if he is not brave enough to act on them, then you shouldn’t waste your time waiting for him to man up. Remember that your time is precious and so are your feelings. You shouldn’t put your life on hold because a man is struggling to get his life together.
Remember, my dearest Arlo, that we have hope. Hope that things will get better. And I think they will 😉
Lots of love,
Fives advice columnist who writes “insightful, informative and thoroughly entertaining replies” - quote Arlo
AITA for striking my (M43) son (M20) when he rejected me as his father?
I understand that the title might have you thinking the worst, but please hear me out.
I didn't have a relationship with my son for basically all his life. This was due to my circumstances at the time: I went through a major personal tragedy and was severely injured, to the point of being on life support. To this day I have a lot of issues with my health.
I recently reconnected with my son. I immediately invited him to meet my boss (M92), in hopes that I could set him up with a job opportunity. I feel that this is significant. As far as I know, my son has been working in menial jobs in agriculture, but then apparently chose to leave that life and - to my shock - join a criminal syndicate.
I felt as if getting a good government job would be a way to turn over a new leaf in his life, especially given his past. However, he immediately became combative. I attempted to give him some guidance in managing his emotions, but he rejected that as well.
I'm sad to say that the argument became physical. Some blows were exchanged, but in the end, I was angry enough to strike him. I immediately felt very bad, and decided to offer him the government job on the spot. He rejected me again, and chose to leave very abruptly. I haven't had any contact with him since.
So, AITA?
Edit: Yes, I admit that to call it striking him was an understatement. To clarify, I cut off his hand.
Edit: However, I feel like it should be stated that I myself am a quadruple amputee and we have excellent healthcare.
Edit: I did not immediately identify myself as his father when we met. I think this was my mistake. I think he would have been much more receptive of my message had I done so. As it stands I only told him of our relationship after I had struck him.
Edit: My wife is not in the picture. To my knowledge she passed before his birth.
Headcanon that padawans and initiates try to sneak into the Senate building when the Senate isn't in session, so they can play bumper cars with the hover pods. The 501st hears about the tradition from Ahsoka, and of course they also get in on it!
(Extra points if this somehow ends up with Palpatine accidentally assassinated by a speeding hover pod.)
Rex is out of commission for an indefinite amount of time so command batch has to draw sticks over who's going to temporarily stand in and oversee his menaces.
It ends up being Wolffe and within the first ten minutes his hands are around Fives's throat.
⚠️ WARNING / TW: UNHINGED STAR WARS MUSIC HEADCANONS AHEAD ⚠️ Before you get your Jedi robes in a twist or start Force-choking me in the comments (kinky though)— THIS IS FOR FUN!!! THIS IS NOT CANON!!!
These headcanons are fueled by ✨vibes✨, ✨feral energy✨, and ✨delusion✨ and I say that with all the love in the galaxy. So sit back, grab your lightsaber-shaped karaoke mic, and enjoy the chaos. May the bops be with you.
🎧 Anakin Skywalker – King of the Unashamed Bangers
This man listens to Linkin Park unironically and thinks it’s peak emotional intelligence.
“Welcome to the Black Parade” plays and he salutes. Dead serious. He is the black parade.
Will put on "bad guy" by Billie Eilish and be like “This is totally about me.”
Has a playlist called "Mood: Choking" and it’s just Doja Cat, Imagine Dragons, and random Star Wars lo-fi.
Gets called out for listening to "You Belong With Me" and just goes “yeah and?” like a menace.
Has cried to Olivia Rodrigo’s “traitor” imagining Obi-Wan as the subject.
🎧 Obi-Wan Kenobi – Dad With Deep Sad Spotify
He says “I don’t really listen to music” but has a 9-hour playlist called "Rainy Day Reflections in the Outer Rim".
Canonically a Lana Del Rey fan. “Young and Beautiful” hits too hard post-Maul duel.
Secretly loves Florence + The Machine. Cries to “Shake It Out” but says it’s just dust in his eyes.
His guilty pleasure is ABBA. “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” plays and he just vibes in Jedi robes.
Has an Enya phase???? Won’t admit it, but “Only Time” is his ringtone.
Every time he’s sad, he puts on "The Sound of Silence" and stares out the window like he’s in a noir film.
Pretends he doesn’t know who Taylor Swift is but absolutely has a Jedi remix of “All Too Well (10 Minutes Version).”
🎧 Ahsoka Tano – Gen Z Alt Queen
She listens to Halsey, Mitski, Paramore, and early 2010s Tumblr-core. She is the moment.
“you should see me in a crown” is her training montage song.
Has beef with Spotify for not having the perfect mix of indie rage and catharsis.
Plays “Not Strong Enough” by boygenius on repeat while looking at the sunset from her ship like a dramatic icon.
Screams “brutal” by Olivia Rodrigo in the shower. Every time.
Plays Rina Sawayama when she wants to fight someone with style.
Once made a remix of Bo Katan’s comms call to a Charli XCX beat. Went viral in the Temple. Listens to Halsey’s “Nightmare” on repeat after leaving the Order.
Secretly listens to K-pop. Anakin caught her vibing to BLACKPINK once and now won’t let it go.
🎧 Captain Rex – Dad Rock But Make It Emotional
Rex’s top genre is “Sad Country That Hints At Deep Repressed Feelings.”
Obsessed with Bruce Springsteen. Thinks “Born to Run” is a philosophical statement (it is, I agree with him).
“Fortunate Son” makes him clench his jaw and look off into the middle distance.
Listens to Johnny Cash's “Hurt” and nobody is allowed to speak.
Tried listening to Lo-fi once. Said it was “too soft, not enough suffering.”
Uses music to process his trauma but doesn’t know it. “Whiskey Lullaby” makes him cry and he’s like “must be allergies.”
Thinks Fleetwood Mac is a war crime until he hears “Landslide,” then gets emotional and doesn’t want to talk about it.
🎧 Padmé Amidala – Political Baddie Playlist
“Businesswoman special” vibes. Taylor Swift’s “The Man” is literally her anthem.
Will absolutely walk into the Senate blasting “Run the World (Girls)” in her head.
Has a “Diplomacy but Make It Sexy” playlist that’s 50% Rihanna and 50% Arctic Monkeys.
Uses “Vigilante Shit” as a pre-meeting warm-up song.
Listens to Phoebe Bridgers when missing Anakin but then switches to Megan Thee Stallion to repress it.
She’s the reason the Republic has a fashion industry.
Has “Bury a Friend” by Billie Eilish saved for when she’s gotta gaslight senators.
🎧 Yoda – Unexpected Bops Only
900 years old and still LOVES EDM. No explanation.
Thinks “Sandstorm” by Darude is the pinnacle of modern music.
Says things like “drop the bass must you” before DJing Jedi youngling parties.
Has a secret playlist called "Mmm Music, Yes."
Found out about Grimes once and just… stared. Then added every album.
🎧 Maul – Sith Lord of Sad Bangers
Listening to “Everybody’s Fool” by Evanescence on loop in his lair on Dathomir while plotting vengeance and dramatically flexing his robot legs.
Has a playlist literally titled “KILL KENOBI AND MAYBE CRY A LITTLE”. It’s all Bring Me The Horizon, Nine Inch Nails, and My Chemical Romance.
Has 17 different remixes of “Toxic” by Britney Spears because it’s the only thing that makes him feel alive.
Screams the lyrics to “The Kill (Bury Me)” by 30 Seconds to Mars while pacing back and forth like a tragic Shakespeare villain with a face tattoo.
Secretly listens to AURORA when he needs to emotionally unravel.
Says he doesn’t like pop but “Look What You Made Me Do” by Taylor Swift lives in his head rent-free.
“Running Up That Hill” hits him so hard he has to sit down and scream.
🎧 Asajj Ventress – Gothic Femme Fatale Playlist
Wears her AirPods while hunting Jedi and she’s blasting BANKS, Billie Eilish, Lana Del Rey, and SZA like a straight-up ✨ menace ✨.
Has a playlist called “Make Me Your Villain” and it’s just Doja Cat, Rihanna’s deep cuts, and angry Halsey.
Her anthem? “You Don’t Own Me” (especially the Grace version). It plays in her soul.
Secretly sobs to “Liability” by Lorde once a week in a vibey Nightsister cave with a candle going.
Her battle playlist includes “Sweet But Psycho” and “Confident” by Demi Lovato. She’s slaying literally and musically.
If you asked her what her favorite genre is, she’d say “revenge.” She means it.
Once force-choked a man just because he mocked her Florence + The Machine tattoo.
🎧 Mace Windu – Serious Exterior, Pure Vibes Interior
Tells everyone he only listens to Jedi-approved meditation tracks, but his real playlist is “Lightsaber, Lightsoul” and it’s pure funk and 90s R&B.
Obsessed with Prince. Thinks “When Doves Cry” is a warning from the Force.
“Purple Rain” plays? He closes his eyes and ascends.
Has “Return of the Mack” on repeat in the gunship. Yoda says nothing. Yoda understands.
Lowkey loves Missy Elliott. Thinks “Work It” is the height of lyrical brilliance.
Has a soft spot for En Vogue and Lauryn Hill. Once told Obi-Wan, “You haven’t lived ‘til you’ve meditated to neo-soul.”
“Before I Let Go” comes on and he’s two-stepping while maintaining perfect Jedi posture.
🎧 Cad Bane – Intergalactic Outlaw Vibes
His theme music is literally Johnny Cash meets trap remix. “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” but with an 808.
His ship playlist is just Run the Jewels, Tyler, The Creator, and Johnny Cash. It makes no sense but it works.
Has a six-shooter Spotify vibe: “Bang Bang” by Nancy Sinatra, “Outlaw” by 50 Cent, “Desperado” by Rihanna.
Secretly listens to Sade. “Smooth Operator” is the only thing that calms him down after a bounty.
Post Malone’s “Wow.” is what he plays when he successfully walks away from an explosion.
Has a secret SoundCloud where he drops gravel-voiced outlaw spoken word beats. Has 3 followers. One of them is Hondo. Always Hondo.
🎧 Hondo Ohnaka – Pirate of Party Anthems
Lives like he’s in a perpetual Mardi Gras. His playlist is called “Treasure & Trouble”.
“Uptown Funk” is his go-to robbery track. He moonwalks out of the vault. No shame.
Once threw an entire bar fight to the tune of Pitbull’s “Fireball”.
LOVES Pitbull. “He is a wise man. Very bald. Very powerful.”
Has every One Direction song saved but says it’s “for the crew.” It is not.
Will start a shootout, pause to yell “DJ TURN IT UP”, then unpause the chaos.
Secretly obsessed with Shakira. Will stop mid-monologue if “She Wolf” comes on.
Hondo’s walk-on music? “SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake. Every time.
Uses “Toxic” by Britney Spears as his ringtone. One time it rang in a hostage situation and he answered it like “Ah! My business partner!”
Has a deeply emotional connection to Kesha’s “Timber”. Claims it’s “about the fall of the Republic. And also partying.”
Fully believes Lady Gaga is some kind of Force-sensitive bounty hunter. Refuses to elaborate.
Once seduced a bounty hunter to “Pony” by Ginuwine. Still talks about it.
Hondo refers to Nicki Minaj as “Queen of the Outer Rim.” No notes.
Insists “All Star” by Smash Mouth is “a manifesto of pirate philosophy.”
Played “Turn Down For What” over comms during a prison break. Kanan nearly Force yeeted him into the sun.
Has an emotional breakdown once a year to “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay. Calls it “pirate penance.”
Blasted “Seven Nation Army” while chasing down a bounty on a stolen speeder and shouted “THIS IS MY VILLAIN ERA!”
His ship’s official docking theme? “Low” by Flo Rida. If you know, you know.
Has a holo-poster of Doja Cat in his bunk. Tells people it's a “spiritual shrine.”
Tried to duel to the death with someone over “Mr. Brightside” vs “Somebody Told Me”. Both were him.
When stressed, listens to “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift and says “Ah yes, Hondo Ohnaka—forever unbothered, moisturized, thriving, and in my pirate era.”