THIS IS HEARTBREAKING - Blog Posts

MERLIN REWATCH ✦ 1.02 Valiant

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

They sat in silence. How else are you meant to sit with a boy you once loved so much that it hurt to breathe? But no, James and Regulus were more than that. Their love story wasn’t simply painful, it was a normal Romeo and Juliet story. It was wretched, rotting. Cursed longer than their souls had existed, cursed before their bloodlines started. There was no universe or alternate timeline in which they ever had a happy story, that didn’t stop them from both wishing they did. In their most impossible dreams, they pretended like it was. Yet neither of them would ever admit they were smart enough to know the truth.

James sat on the bench, his hands intertwined. If you looked close enough you could see he looked distant, in his thoughts– like, maybe he was pretending one of his hands wasn’t his own.

Regulus was sat next to him, avoiding eye contact. As always. So Incredibly close to James he could feel the warmth of his skin, yet he still seemed to be just out of James’ reach. James had always hated irony. If you followed Regulus’ gaze you could see him sneaking glimpses at James' hands, and at moments like these– maybe just maybe Regulus was pretending no different to how James was.

The war had ended a few months prior. Although Sirius had begun to forgive Regulus, mind you– slowly, James refused to enter a city with him in it, let alone share a bench with him until now.

Maybe it was something about this spot, about Hogwarts that made him softer. James wished it was strong enough to make him able to forgive, but yet some things aren’t even that strong.

James opened his mouth, Regulus prepared for the slap.

‘’You did some things that I can’t unabsorb.’ James’ spoke, each word careful. Eggshells.

Regulus deserved that he did. The mark on his forearm would forever be a reminder of that, and James. Oh pure and loving James Potter, even he had limits.

‘Well, you turned me into an idea of sorts.’ Regulus ground out. A defence mechanism, always. James had learned to know that type of response all too well, and yet despite the weight his words held, they didn’t hurt.

James let out a shaky laugh. ‘At least I won’t have to wonder if you’ve changed, still forever the same snarky git I fell in love with.’

Regulus’ heart flipped, but that feeling couldn’t erase the bitter tone that lingered on James’ words. They’d both changed. They both knew that, perhaps James’ fleeting joke was a final attempt to reminisce, Regulus didn’t overthink it.

Regulus’ gaze flicked to James as James leant back against the bench. Shuffling and adjusting, James took a box of cigarettes out of his pocket. Regulus didn’t dare scoff, he didn’t know James’ anymore. Why should he be surprised?

James flipped it open, carelessly– he placed a cigarette between his teeth. Slipping the pack back into his pocket and fumbling for a lighter. Each movement slid together like clockwork, the marks of an old habit. Regulus wondered when it started.

‘You know what I’ve always wondered.’ James spoke, clicking the lighter. ‘If I sell my house, and you have some kids with some pureblood witch, will that make your memory of my hands fade?’ James' voice was cold, passive almost.

Regulus struggled to recognise the boy next to him. He couldn’t resist it anymore, so he turned to look at him. James met his eyes. Gone were the bright brown eyes of James Potter that Regulus had once loved so deeply, instead empty dark ones stared back at him. Lifeless, eyes that could only be found in someone who had seen so much loss. Regulus wondered which loss did it.

‘That was cold of you.’ Regulus mumbled weakly. Stupid, he scorned himself. You ruined him, yet you are the one who cowers at his presence, how awfully poetic.

‘Well, If you want to break my cold cold heart, you know what to say.’ James' voice came out bitter, he lit the cigarette and took a deep inhale. Slipping the lighter away, Regulus averted his gaze.

‘What, that I loved you? I do.’

James took the cigarette between his fingers and exhaled.

‘You didn’t,’ He laughed, tapping the ash away. ‘You may have needed me, but you needed them more. You just expect me to watch that– all of that happen, and believe that you still loved me?’

Regulus didn’t have to ask who he was talking about.

‘They’re gone James.’

James shrugged.

‘Big fucking whoop. What does that change? That may be true but so are other things. Like, you should have left with Sirius, but you didn’t. I should have stayed away from you, I didn’t. They should have been better parents, they weren’t.’

Regulus tried to ignore the feeling in the back of his throat. He couldn’t understand how sweet, good, James Potter was speaking to him like this. Not that he wasn’t wrong, He missed his James, and he hated himself for turning loving James into this person.

‘Why are you here James?’ Regulus somehow found the strength to say.

James looked at him, really looked at him.

‘You know that I loved you the way that you were? Why wasn’t that enough?’

James had always been stronger of the pair of them, but in that moment– He was the one who broke eye contact. He couldn’t bear to see Regulus’ eyes brim, no matter how much he hated him.

‘I don’t know, but I want to be better.’

‘It’s a bit fucking late for that.’ James took another deep puff, before chucking the cigarette on the floor before it burnt too close to his fingers. ‘You know what one of the worst parts is? For me, It was enough just to float in your orbit. Just being around you– I thought that it was all going to be okay, that whatever was going on would work itself out.’ James took a shaky breath, a fracture in his facade. ‘I wish that was enough for you.’

Regulus squeezed his eyes together. ‘You were enough James,’ He breathed. ‘You’ve always been enough–I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to choose you.’ James used that moment to steal a glance at him.

Regulus heard movement. Warm breath. Cinnamon. He let his eyes flutter open, James was watching him, carefully. His cold eyes had relaxed slightly, watching Regulus ever so intimately. Regulus resisted the urge to run his hands over his own arms.

James and Regulus had moved closer together, naturally. The space between them on the bench seemed to shorten with each breath. Regulus may have been too weak to choose them, but that didn’t mean James would ever stop being weak for him.

‘You’ve had too many moments of weakness, It’s not fair, I deserve one.’ James mumbled, eyes on Regulus’ lips.

‘Please, James.’ Regulus breathed. He was innately aware of his pounding heart, he had missed the smell of James, his touch. He ached for just a moment with him again. A certain type of release that could only be found through the embrace of James Potter.

The last thing Regulus heard fall from James’ lips sounded like a pained ‘God forgive me.’ but he wasn’t sure, he didn’t care, because James had broken the distance.

What started as a simple, gentle brush of lips turned quickly into a violent collision. A tongue feeling familiar to a gentle I miss you, evolved into passionate I hate you.

James’ hands fell to Regulus’ waist, gripping so hard he might have marked him, James though. Good. Let me mark you like how you have marked me. You’ve altered me body and soul, let me leave a small bruise. Please. Although the thoughts remained unsaid, it was as if Regulus already felt them in his bones. James and Regulus had always known each other so deeply, it was as if they could communicate through simple hums, rhythms that buzzed in each other's bones. They had always felt like one.

Regulus melted into the touch, the taste of James’ tongue euphoric. God he missed what it had felt like to be loved by James Potter. Hands in hair, an entanglement of limbs– that was always how it seemed to go with them. They still touched each other as if each touch was the last, if only they had known when they were younger that that feeling held some truth. Would Regulus have lingered a little longer? Would he have told James he loved him before it was over?

Regulus shut off his thoughts, and allowed him to revel in the feelings of James’ soft hands, which had made their way up to hold Regulus’ face ever so carefully– as if he was scared he’d break him. How sickly ironic, Regulus– a weak deatheater who’d succumbed to the sins of his parentage, weak and pliable in the hands of a boy who kissed and touched like the sun, a boy who represented everything that was left of good in the world.

The heat of the kiss has died down, and changed into gentle kisses, dampened by salt and the ache of what could have been.

James was the one to break it, leaning his head against Regulus’, neither of them dare open their eyes.

‘Will I always have to wonder, Regulus? Or do you think as a part of this being better, you could give me an answer?’

A beat. Regulus wanted to be better, he did that much was true, He just didn’t know how to.

‘I don’t have an answer for you James, I don’t think I ever will.’ Regulus whispered, his eyes didn’t move, frozen– clenched shut. Hiding. At that moment, James knew Regulus would always cower, he would never be able to be better, despite no matter how much they both wanted him to be better.

‘Guess I’ll always wonder.’

Regulus was left alone with only the sound of his own choking breaths. He didn't open his eyes till the air he breathed felt clean, he wasn’t sure he would ever stop missing the smoke. Guess he’d always wonder.

Little Palestine; Diary of a Siege (2021) dir. Abdallah Al Khatib