Why Is It So Much More Painful This Time? I Can Barely Look Myself In The Mirror, The Disconnect Is So

I've actually made a small list of these things on a whiteboard and, as silly as it feels, there's something immensely satisfying about having written it out

Thinking I may very much lean into fictionkinity in daily life as I think it may help self care feel less like a chore.. I believe he had specific traits due to insect features, traits which I still possess due to my hEDS, so I think some simple transference of tasks would be helpful for me.

More liquids (ant and butterfly diet), better skincare (moisture necessary for overall insect health), care that is specific to me that feels so much more natural than the brute force I've been trying to apply

Forming a relationship with myself, through someone else

Alright so I've given it some thought, and so far:

🦋 Musings 🦋-> talk tag

❤️ -> lovecore/heart imagery, as well as posts that express a certain love drunkness; roses and other pink things

👑 -> architecture for the most part, though there might be a few posts that put me into a certain mindset; I can't totally describe it but it's very clear if you look

Been thinking about my tag system and am likely going to use some emojis! I'll move a few more posts over here before I solidify it, but I do have a plan!

Thinking very much about wanting to do at least one nice thing for myself every day. Use a body spray or light a candle or some incense, really engage in sensory things in a way I know makes me happy. Use some of my colored light projectors, keep it a little dimmer yet colorful. Break down my meals into simpler components, even if it doesn't feel like a "real" dinner, I'm still eating and that's the most important part.

I don't want to feel like it takes any extra amount of energy to be kind to myself, to make life and my immediate space feel welcoming for me.

To use the candles, to burn the incense, have the food, to merely take up the space I occupy. It isn't a very lofty wish, and it's something I hope I can make a reality in the immediate future.

I've been thinking about gender this morning and realize that pouf played a decent role in me figuring out exactly where I am in terms of how I feel about masculinity.

As a trans man, I don't really often see men who look like me; I especially don't see men like me because I'm not planning on medical transition. Of course, I'm not disparaging those who seek it out - that's wonderful! I'm so glad that there are options for those who have debilitating dysphoria, but I personally only suffer from it on a social level. I rarely feel it otherwise, and this is the choice I feel most comfortable with. However, this comes at the cost of rarely ever seeing men like myself; practically every trans man I see is either post-transition, or is planning to do so.

And I can now say that this is what struck me so much about this character, that he had so many stereotypically feminine traits, but was still clearly recognized as a man. That we had similar body types, similar mannerisms and means of expression. It was around then that I began to play with masculine pronouns and realized how much I enjoyed them; my most comfortable and conforming outfits ended up being semi-formal wear. I can push androgyny if I really try, but the only way to be consistently read as masculine would be to cut my hair, which I refuse to do at this point. I'd had nearly buzzed hair at one point, but find I like my shoulder length hair much better.

I'm actutely aware of how the butterfly is coded as a "feminine" insect, and that was also something that initially drew me to him. I'd never seen butterflies associated with masculinity, and to this day I haven't seen anything quite like him. He really pushed me farther along in my transition than I think I would've achieved otherwise.

Am I host to the world's most half-assed fictive..

Greetings. It has been quite some time since I've documented my experiences, and I believe a full explanation of sorts may be in order, mostly for myself as, had I seen others doing the same, I may have been able to cope much sooner.

What I had taken for an experience with fictionkin was the product of myself lacking the words to describe how I had felt, and found terms cleanly matching them in this community. However, I have come to terms with having a much different experience, which is that of having an (albeit quite fragmented) alter. What I had taken for a past life was essentially a separate entity expressing himself alongside me, and it is a matter I wish to be open about, for my own sake.

I have documented much of my journey here, and feel fit to continue doing so, with new knowledge regarding how I move through the world.

Literally the most embarrassing thing about having a pouf fictive is suddenly remembering how viscerally annoying I (the person who watched the caa) found komugi

Today, May 27th, marks a very big personal event for me, one that triggered a lot of awakening as far as kin is concerned, so I thought that it would be in the spirit to draw a few tarot cards in honor. They're meant to be read clockwise, with the four points representing my past (life), my rebirth and awakening, my current present, and my future. I also always draw a final card under the question of "is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

What I've interpreted here is:

My past - Reversed Ace of Swords. Loss, powerlessness, failure. I wouldn't deny it, there was absolutely a struggle to do what felt right and an immediate fall flat. Failure indeed.

My Rebirth - Reversed Seven of Cups. Grounded, realistic, achievable dreams. Passing over the threshold from idealistic to realistic, no longer able to sustain in fantasy but needing to give myself something attainable; a much more grounded attitude in this life.

My Present - Reversed Page of Swords. Lack of vigilance, sluggishness. A lack of alertness because I don't need it anymore, no longer forced to sustain myself on pure adrenaline, as in both in the distant past and in my current lived past as well; calming down in a sense.

My Future - Reversed Three of Wands. Weakness, lack of knowledge. I believe this is referring to my immediate future - I am moving out of a household with a roommate who I greatly struggle to communicate with due to a variety of factors that make them unreceptive to communication; I haven't encountered a situation where I'm free to walk away, nor have I thought through how I will formally tell them, so this draw feels appropriate for such a new situation.

Extra - The Empress. Action, progress, attainment. Though I struggle now, the struggle will be found to be worth my time; my efforts shall not be wasted.

I missed him.