18th Birthday - Blog Posts

it’s my 18th birthday b

this means adulting jokes are no longer ironic and are now cringe

Neverland

"I don't want to die."

I pull the little girl in closer, resting my head on hers.

"We still have time," I say, as I stroke her head. She sobs into my shoulder.

"Why can't I stay anymore?" she asks. "Did I do something wrong?"

I laugh. "No, you've been wonderful."

"Then why do I have to go!"

I close my eyes, wondering how I can possibly explain that which I don't know.

"Why don't we play a game?" I finally say.

The girl's eyes light up, as if both her eyes are stars. "Which one?"

"Whichever one you'd like."

"I want to make a potion."

She stands up and starts gathering twigs, leaves, berries, flowers. She heaps them all into a hole in the ground and mixes them together, spouting random words she heard me practice for French.

"What kind of a potion is it?" I ask, looking into the slimy goop.

"You'll see." Her face is scrunched up in concentration as she continues to swirl the ingredients. "Now give me your hand."

"Why?"

"Because I need it," she says as she leans over and grabs it. She then dips her fingers into the potion and sprinkles it all over my hand and her own.

"There, now we're ready!" she says, obviously very proud of her work.

The midnight bell begins to chime. People burst into the space, hooks and daggers at the ready, waiting for the final stroke.

The little girl looks up to me, scared. "Is it time?"

I try to stay strong. I really do, but I can't help but cry. "Yes."

She crawls into my lap, brushing the tears from my eyes. "You'll remember me, won't you?"

I hold her tighter, desperate for her to stay. "I promise."

She smiles as the final bell rings out and the horde of adults comes for her.

"No!" I scream as they drag me away. "Leave her alone!"

They don't hear me, or at least pretend not to as they stab her. Kick her. Punch her. Harm her in every way conceivable, until there's almost nothing left of her.

I'm dropped on the other side of big, thick doors. I scramble back, clawing at the lock.

"Let me go back!"

One of the adults turns me around to face them, a big smile on their face. "Playtime's over, dear," she says as she drags me away. 

"It's time to grow up."

I recently turned 18! Now I’m legally aged!

happy birthday to me!

Im officially 18 years old!! Isn't that crazy!!

It’s my 18th birthday! I’m an adult now! (Using a tangled gif because it’s my favorite movie and Rapunzel is also 18 for her birthday)

a lil ode to being 18

today is my 18th birthday!! and once again, i’m in my feels about getting older. so here’s a lil thing i wrote to put some words to the thoughts in my brain.

growing up is weird.

one moment, you're a baby rolling around on blankets and laughing at the silly faces your parents are making at you, the next, you're a teenager, cramming for your a levels that are less than a week away. one minute, you're endlessly babbling about everything and nothing all at once, the next, you're struggling to find the words to say in front of an interviewer who probably determines the next steps of your life.

in some ways, i miss being a little kid - when life got tough, you could just play pretend, santa still existed, and your biggest problem was whether the 'i' came before or after the 'e' in believe, because, trust me, i always struggled with that one.

growing up is weird, because when i was little, i couldn't wait to be grown up - i couldn't wait to be 10, then 13, then 16, then 18. and now that i'm here? well, it just feels like more of the same.

i still feel just as naive as i was 6 months ago. except now, i can drive alone and vote. but at the same time, i feel light years away from the little kid who liked to talk to no one on the phone and sung hindi songs in the strongest british accent you've ever heard. i kinda want to go back.

i want to go back to sitting in my friend's mum's old toyota yaris while she drove us both to orchestra, and playing pretend in the house my neighbours used to live in with the park across the road. playing mums and dads under the table at my best friend's house - the table that he still has because somethings never change, i guess.

i want to go back to when the best thing in the world was pineapple upside down cake with custard, and when the most exciting part of the day was reading time. i want to go back to the bench we used to have our lunch on in school, even if i'm not friends with half the people who sat with me anymore, or back to music class, where all anyone did was chat. i want to go back to agreeing to wake up at 6am at sleepovers and when the only songs i wrote were about how much i missed my friends when they went away for the summer.

growing up is weird because i've been waiting for this day since i was old enough to know what growing up meant. and yet it still feels sudden, like it's been sprung on me without warning. it's like one minute you're one person and the next you're someone completely different, with no chance of ever going back.

growing up is weird, and it's wonderful, and i think i'm ready to keep going.