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why can I tolerate being chronically ill and feeling sick every day of my life and then I get the flu and suddenly I feel like a sickly victorian child with the plague
okay random question do any other people w/ POTS have their legs randomly collapse under them and they fall to the ground, or do I need to get checked out for something else-
10+ has me reeling... here I am always telling myself my health issues aren't that bad.
You don't realize how much the smallest accommodation is going to change your life until you get it and the "wait, I actually did need this" finally hits you
I thought it was do dumb for me to look forward to getting a bed tray and I was doubting my need for it out of the misplaced belief that if I just tried a little harder I could use my desk (which I've been trying to do but failed continuously), the pride of knowing that in the past I was never in bed unless I slept was making me ignore my needs
But now, even though I only had this bed tray for a short time, I already feel a huge difference in the quality of my bedridden life
Listen to your body, if you need something small to make your life better don't deny yourself that out of pride or self-doubt
I am Tired and Sick and Sore, and I know I don't deserve this, but I know I have to get through it anyway. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a pinprick in my vision, and the tunnel is long and dark and full of anxiety and pain. On the other side are vast expanses of concrete, highrise buildings, and crowds where no one knows my name or recognises me but those I love dearly. And I am free.
Hate the Fury at myself and my body every time I have to rehabilitate a joint or muscle that went into spasm and refused to work the way I need it to
My body doesn't even recognise that moving a joint is an option, which is so fucking annoying when it's your wrist or something locked in 💅 position, and then it unlocks and it's literally just gravity or spasm based movement for the next god knows how long
"I miss you"
Is it okay if I send those randomly btw? If you need me to stop I can, it's just easier to say than "I wish you were here because I feel so so lonely and I just want someone to hold me while I fall apart, or to help me walk through to the kitchen to grab my salt, or to play video games so I can watch and pretend like I know what's happening on the screen, or to tell me that it's okay to cry over nothing" without sounding like that's all you mean to me
logically, i know that i'm not lesser for needing aids (e.g. things to chew on so i don't accidentally hurt myself, a walking stick, etc.) but i also have to keep reminding myself that its okay and that i'm not embarrassing my loved ones, and that's okay
self-acceptance, especially when you're chronically ill, is not a linear path