Eating Disoder Trigger Warning - Blog Posts

In my ED relapse era

I had to try "recovery" for a while if I want top surgery but they're not sending the referral until I see a neurologist for physical health issues so I'm going to relapse to lose as much weight as possible so I can start T sooner.

Can't fucking deal with this

I'm so fat it's ridiculous. And I have to spend a lot of time around my family which means eating.

I wish I never started antipsychotics - weight gain is the worst thing to ever happen to me. +25kg and I didn't even overeat (verified by every person in my life). Fuck this shit man

I was 57,9kg this morning!!!

Fucking finallyyyyy

I’m so motivated to reach my goal weight by Christmas

Starving and manifesting ✨

Manifesting -5kg for everyone who reblogs

Hejoo

Zaczynam moja dietę od jutra startuje z 60kg

Będę jadła 300kcal przez 2 miesiące. Czyli planuje schudnąć do 40kg.

To tyle.

𝜗𝜚 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝟒𝐧𝟒 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐮𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐬

(my dms are open <3)

Your ED is still valid:

• never got hospitalized

• never experienced medical complications

• never cried while eating

• looked forward to eating

• never exercised

• still ate “unhealthy food”

is it safe to take like.. 8 year old dietary pills you found in a drawer? they've never been opened before and im considering it..

also, they're huge. wtf.

Hello guys today I don’t have a oneshot for you guys but I need to tell you guys something very important about me. About a week ago I was admitted into a Psychiatric hospital for depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. I also was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Yes I have an eating disorder. Tomorrow I will be going into a 3 month Program for Eating disorders I will not be doing any more stories of spn until I am recovered and better.

Thank you for taking the time to stop and read this post, I am going to get better.

Guys fhis is a new low, not only did I spend yesterday and today binging because I was with my friend but when I tried to purge it up just now I missed the toilet bowl and projectile vomited all over my bathroom (didn’t even get much up anyways so it was a waste of time).

I’m so done, I don’t even know what to do at this point I’m just so ashamed. I want this all to stop I want someone to help me but I can’t bring myself to ask for help because I’m too fat and not sick enough to warrant even needing any help. My only hope is death, but I don’t want to die fat, but I can’t keep living like this.

And I’m all the way back up to 52.5kg. 4 kg in 4 days. I was literally less than a kg away from my GW, all my hard work down the drain like it never happened.

I’m so disappointed in myself, so so disappointed.

Binged really bad yesterday, was only able to purge like under a quarter of it up before my throat began to burn too much so I took a little more than 15 laxatives I think. I feel and look so disgusting, the binge wasn’t even enjoyable. I want to water fast for the next 3 days to clear my system, but theres this voice inside my head that keeps trying to get me to binge again “it’s only 1 more day” “you still have food left in the freezer you can binge on, you don’t want to waste it after spending so much money on it do you” “you can just purge it out” “if you don’t binge now you not be able to ever again” and bullshit like that. I’m not even hungry, I’m still sickly full despite purging and digesting most of it, but I just want to eat.

Binging will be the death of me, if not by physically causing me to have a heart attack then most definitely by making me kill myself.

This comment right here made me smile. I will get back to this story, it's not abandoned, just on hold.

The things nobody says - chapter 4

When Olivia reached her parents’ home she was relieved. She wouldn’t be alone anymore, she’d have help. Her parents welcomed her babies with open arms and took them from the car into the house. Olivia took the luggage to her bedroom as her parents cooed over the babies. They had hardly said hello to her, but she guessed it should be expected. They were very excited about becoming grandparents.

She sat on her childhood bed staring at the wall. A yellowed Leonardo DiCaprio poster was still pinned above her desk, the corners curling around the pins. Below it, hung framed pictures of her with her friends throughout their teens. The last picture had been taken at the beach on her last summer at home before leaving for university. She was wearing a lime green bikini that stood out against her tanned skin, her arms and legs were toned and her stomach was flat, her abdominal muscles taut.

She looked down at herself now and sighed. She was wearing black yoga pants that were slightly tearing at the inner seams, her drool stained grey hoodie was large enough to cover her now sagging stomach and breasts. She needed to feed the girls before she started leaking, again. She thought. She went to the living room where her parents were still making funny faces at the twins. It was a sight to behold. Her very prim and proper parents were kneeling down, on the living room carpet, speaking nonsense in high pitched voices at the twins who were sitting in two identical bouncers she had not seen before. Her parents had probably gone on a shopping spree and wasted a shitload of money on mostly useless stuff. She remembered, then, that she had left the breastfeeding cushion in the car, she went out to get it. Nobody had noticed her coming in the room and nobody noticed her leaving it. She came back, sat on the sofa wrapping the cushion around her waist and called her parents, who still hadn’t seen her.

New wip 'The things nobody says'

Original work about the hard things in pregnancy and motherhood nobody tells you beforehand.

what I eat in a day 58

-1300

+250kcal, 2g crepe with Nutella, STILL HAVING TO GUESS. I love being here but not being able to count is so annoying

+150kcal, 5g cake

-220kcal walk

+200kcal tomato soup

+200kcal chocolate

-50kcal exercise

-113kcal walk

+428kcal, 9g oyakata

+238kcal, 10g protein bar

end: -217kcal, >26g protein

what I eat in a day 56

-1300

-60kcal exercise

+278kcal, 20g protein porridge

we went on a walk hike trip picnic

+400kcal, 25g maybe idk I'm guessing, bfs mum made us tortilla

+100kcal cake

-40kcal exercise

+670kcal, 18g panini I think? sandwich with chicken

-571kcal that walk hike

+230kcal, 2g cheetos

end: -293kcal, 65g protein

what I eat in a day 54

-1300

-50kcal exercise

+110kcal beer 0% alc

couldn't find my phone before I started eating but curly chips and a sausage

+420kcal, 10g maybeeeee, again not my cooking

-100kcal exercise

+130kcal, 10g wanted more sausage and had lemonade

+280kcal, 8g hot dog thing from Lidl and

+198kcal, 10g protein bar on a walk

-661kcal walk

+180kcal wine

+485kcal, 40g nuggets and some sauce

+160kcal maybe idk the wine just kept pouring

end: -148kcal, 78g

ig but who tf knows

lately I've been eating as a social thing. birthday, event, hangout, not because of hunger. I don't want to lose the last bits of social life I have but it's hard.

I wish eating wasn't a social thing.

what I eat in a day 15

-1400

-240kcal treadmill jog/walk

breakfast:

+160kcal, 20g protein pudding

+40kcal beer 0% (my bfs dad gave me..)

+60kcal, 7g protein cauliflower

-140kcal workout

+170kcal, 11g protein bar

I am so hungry omg, we went for such a long walk and also jogged to warm up cause it was cold af, dinner pls I need

dinner:

+583kcal, 31g protein tortilla again

+486kcal, 11g protein hot dogs

+150kcal sauce

end: -131kcal, 80g

the whole day my bf was like don't worry about food omg it's not that much come on. CLEARLY IT IS!! I'm only 131 in deficit but I've worked out so much. this is stupid. idk maybe if I counted the walk outside but I made a rule not to do that. stupid stupid stupid!!

my bf told me to eat a spoon of honey before working out as it is a natural pre workout. babe, it has like 60-70kcal. that's a little under half of my breakfast. I told him that and he said I'm crazy cause it's barely anything. FOR YOU!! my BMR is 1400, his is 2200. 65/1400 is way more than 65/2200. it's not even comparable. for him it's nothing, for me it could bump me out of the deficit.

(it is a great pre workout tho so don't worry about the kcals if you can)

what I eat in a day 14

-1400

-250kcal treadmill jog/walk

breakfast:

+144kcal, 20g protein pudding

+120kcal wafers and green tea

+42kcal Capri sun I drank on a walk cause I was really craving chips for later so I walked to get em

dinner:

+702kcal, 32g protein

tortilla from yesterday

+263kcal, 4g of the chips

-75kcal mini workout

+50kcal borsch

end: -404kcal, 56g protein

the urge to post body checks but the fear and disgust of old wanker pervs looking at them. it's for the girls and the gays, leave!!!!! ToT

what I eat in a day 13

-1400

breakfast:

217kcal, 22g protein chicken

148kcal, 13g protein eggs

+365kcal, 35g

+50kcal sauce....

+105kcal approximately for m&ms, it's a mix so some have caramel, some just chocolate so can't tell the exact (I counted as if they were all caramel so the highest one, so it's either accurate or over counted)

+120kcal wafers

i can't stop snacking today idfk, I hate days where I have to wait for people to eat dinner, makes me snack because I'm already hungry I don't wanna wait for u!!

dinner:

2 cloves of garlic (8kcal)

400g ground beef (1016kcal, 69g)

235g spinach (45kcal, 5g)

70g carrot (29kcal, 1g)

490g passata (147kcal, 7g)

250g mozarella (595kcal, 43g)

1145g, 1840kcal, 125g protein

228kcal and 6g protein for 2 tortillas which I packed it in

176kcal, 12g protein in filling that I used today

+404kcal, 18g

-100kcal exercise

+185kcal chocolate

green tea

end: -271kcal, 53g protein

too many snacks, not enough protein ngl

what I eat in a day 12

-1400

-215kcal treadmill jog/walk

breakfast:

60g flour (218kcal, 6g)

1 egg (68kcal, 6g)

80g milk (48kcal, 3g)

with protein (180kcal, 20g) pudding instead of nutella

I made a lot of thin ones over less thicker ones to feel like I ate more

+494kcal, 35g protein

green tea

snack

+100kcal, 4g cauliflower and borsch

dinner:

344g I still have that lasagne lmao

+494kcal, 27g

green tea

+50kcal instant noodles

green tea

end: -477kcal, 66g protein

high time we start considering crying a 1000kcal workout

do you have any song recs that are around anorexia but not sad sounding with the melody? like Nessa Barnet dying on the inside type of thing. more rock, pop.

lowk fasting easier than omad. once you wake up the hunger cues it's so hard to make them shut up again.

what I eat in a day 9

-1400

ngl I might overeat today a bit, it's my birthday, idc, I just want to be happy

breakfast:

4 eggs

+286kcal, 26g protein

snacked

+68kcal, 5g protein cauliflower and broccoli

-100kcal exercise

+560kcal chocolate cake (idk how much I'm guessing...)

+190kcal Bailey's liquor

-100kcal exercise

dinner:

+1017kcal, 35g protein (fries and nuggets..)

end: 521kcal, 66g protein

well whoopsie, not deficiting today

what I eat in a day 7

-1400

couldn't sleep omfg

breakfast:

+302kcal and 21g protein

+40kcal sauce

dinner:

400g ground beef (1016kcal, 69g protein)

185g pasta sheets (641kcal, 22g protein)

200g mozarella (500kcal, 36g protein)

225g spinach (43kcal, 5g protein)

336g carrot (138kcal, 3g protein)

seasonings

3 cloves of garlic (13kcal)

690g passata (234kcal, 12g protein)

310g milk (155kcal, 10g protein)

35g butter (261kcal)

58g flour (197kcal, 8g protein)

157g cheese (535kcal, 38g protein (idk what kind of cheese this is actually so these are calories as if if was Gouda))

total is: 2596g (3733kcal, 203g protein)

I ate 380g out of that so

+546kcal, 30g protein

+400kcal choco

green tea

end: -112kcal and 51g protein, well, should've exercised today clearly.. it is a deficit but barely