Living With Mental Illness - Blog Posts

The words, the colors, the sun

fail to showcase my heartbreak

when I have yet to accept it as mine

and only mine to grieve.

THIS. THIS. THIS. I want to plaster this on my face.

Tw: abuse

Just survived a couple hours with my abuser while casually chitchatting around family. I need to run away.

The cold and the void have made me into a deadly concoction of shivering mess.

You know that thing with a ball in a jar, where the ball represents grief and the jar represents you? And while the ball doesn't change, the jar gets bigger, representing that grief doesn't get less, it's just that you grow bigger. When I got first introduced to that concept, it seemed ridiculous. But since then... I know that it's true. There's certain things in my life, if I actively think about them, they get me just as mad and worked up as if they happened yesterday. However, they don't occupy my mind 24/7 anymore, like they did when they did happen recently. And I think that's exactly what they mean with the ball in a jar analogy. And I suppose that's better than nothing.

Even ignoring my dysphoria, mental illness, and the general state of the world and society, you know what really makes me want to end it all?

My memory loss due to depression. One of the main functions of our brain and it just doesn't work. Some of my core memories are gone or severely altered. My short term memory is absolute shit. And this is all permanent.

I'm about to turn 20, only 20, and I already have a massive setback compared to my peers. All due to being born into incredibly shitty circumstances that I never stood a chance against. *that* is what makes me really want to end it all. To physically feel my mind, and to extend, body deteriorating. Being suicidal, and by extension, if I actually were to do it.. it is absolutely not a choice. I don't want to die, especially not this young. I'm supposed to have an entire life ahead of me.

Except, I kinda don't. And either way I don't want it with this body and mind.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so resentful, that I wasn't so hateful at times. Hatred does consume your soul in a way. But I can't help it. And for the love of God sometimes I wish people would just understand that.

Like all throughout places like special ed school, or even support groups, I would get bullied relentlessly by people who were neurodivergent or had a mental illness of some kind, and I'd get told "they can't help what they do, just ignore it" or "be nice to them regardless, they already have it hard as is", but I, with the same neurodivergenies and mental illnesses, never get afforded the same treatment. Why don't I get treated like that when my mental illness or trauma makes me say some fucked up shit? Or have violent thoughts? Or have outburts?

Even here on tumblr all I hear is "support people who get angry or violent from mental illness" and stuff like that, but the exact same story. They say something genuinely hurtful, they get defended because they "can't help it", but when I have an episode, I get degraded even further.

Just fuck all the way off. I get it. I fucking get it. I'm the unwanted here. Everybody else is more important than me. But you don't have to be mean about it, and at the very least, don't degrade me for something you defend or even praise others for.

I think I genuinely want to end it all. Nobody cares about me, not in a way that matters anyway. I constantly get discriminated against simply because I'm a foreigner, and they make it incredibly difficult to navigate all the legal stuff in my new country. And even if I do have everything in order, sometimes I still get denied simply because "fuck you, that's why".

I'm also struggling with severe mental illness and trauma, which at this point I only expect to be neglected even further. Not to mention dysphoria and being trans amplifying the above tenfold.

I just don't see the point. I want to withdraw from society. It doesn't deserve me.

So I was supposed to put up with someone constantly joking about my sexual assault and abusive family because "they have BPD, they can't help it! :((( " but I dare say anything, to anyone, that's considered mean in the slightest and it's all "you shouldn't bully others!" "always be the bigger person" and "you should be a good example" but then also told that people with mental health disorders can't/don't have to change, which of course applies to everybody but me, because I simply have to learn to "accept life" and "sometimes you gotta go off your own path a little". No. Fuck off. If people can say anything and whatever because their mental illness makes them do so, so I can I. Oh and also people still holy believe that male and female socialization is something that got invented in the past 20 years with the sole purpose of misgendering trans women. Please get outta here.

People seriously underestimates how living with mental illness is also inherently traumatizing.

It's been almost 10 years for me now. I physically feel my memory suffering under mental illness. Other senses like vision get affected too.

You wouldn't expect someone to undergo 10 years of cancer treatment, only to still be sick, and tell them "please keep going, you've been so strong before, one day it'll be alright!". You just wouldn't do that, would you?

Then why is it not only normalized, but encouraged to act that way towards me?

Not to be a hater but I genuinely hate the fact that people get disability checks for stuff like autism when I'm here, suffering crippling depression and dysphoria, as well as a health condition that makes endurance and stamina incredibly hard, juggling college classes, a job, and general life maintenance because I live alone, relying on financial aid for college students that disappears the moment I graduate(or get kicked out), and then my minimum wage job.

Idk, it just almost feels offensive to be juggling all that, when there's people who claim disability checks because they just find it so hard to talk to people, or because they're unable to focus on anything, and then they just sit on their ass and play videogames in their childhood bedroom all day, or in the free housing apartment they got.

People will call me jealous, and, well, yeah? Of course? Like wym somebody is getting free housing, free insurance, and free income while just sitting at home all day, when I'm constantly managing all the aforementioned and I get told to "just man up"

Fuck all the way off. I'll never support neets no matter how much they claim they're "fighting the system". You're an adult baby, and it's time to grow the fuck up.

hello anxiety, my old friend

i’ve come to talk with you again