Aura

What are your self-sabotaging habits?

After MUCH self-reflection, I have realized that I have several things that I do that have led to me sabotaging myself. I doubt myself at every turn, I compare myself to other, and I never follow through for many things.

And if that isn't the holy trinity of a sure way to fail, I don't know what is.

For some reason, every time I start to think of the future or even think of starting a relationship with someone, doubt is the first thing that creeps into my mind. There's a really good job that I want to transition to? NOPE, they would never hire me. You really want to be in a relationship with that guy you really like? NOPE, he is only using you and wants someone skinnier. I don't know why my brain is set up to automatically put me down but that is something I am unlearning. As soon as any inkling of self-doubt starts creeping in I try to nip it in the bud. Because the first thing you learn when manifesting is that there should be no doubt, whatever I want is already mine. Why wouldn't I be able to start a new job? They would be lucky to have someone with so many transferable skills. Why wouldn't a man I am talking to want to get in a relationship? They would be lucky to have someone like me with so much love to give.

Something else I have had to unlearn is to stop comparing myself to others. I was busy trying to survive and I'm finally at a place where I know I can do so much more with my life. I love my friends and family and want nothing but the best for them but I find myself wishing I was at the same place in life they're currently at. Or even seeing someone on the street and wishing I looked like them. Comparison is the root of all my evils and I'm trying my best to celebrate myself everyday instead of trying to fix myself. I have many flaws but I am perfect the way I am. I would not change anything about me because it made me the person I am today. I am so much more compassionate, loving, and understanding because of the live I have been dealt and I am better for it.

Finally, another habit I am trying to break is building positive habits and actually sticking to them. Like eating healthier, keeping my spaces clean, keeping up with schoolwork, or even working out consistently. These are all things I have struggled with in the past but I am determined to be different this year. I am only 31 and I have so much life left and I don't want to spend it wondering "what if?" I had just stuck to my goals. Because "what if it all works out?"

'Titania' from 'Typical Tales of Fancy, Romance and History' from Shakespeare's Plays by Alfred Fredericks, 1892.

Are we all just pullin' you down? [x]

Day 6:

What irrational fears do you have and how do they hold you back?

One of my most irrational fears is that I am afraid to do things on my own. I know that I have mentioned this already but I am so scared to get out and be my own person that I self-sabotage every chance I get. I have been alone most of my life and I am scared that I am going to die alone. All I want and all I have ever wanted was to find someone to complete me and someone I can do things with. And I know that I should be happy on my own and that my self-worth should not rely on someone else but I am tired of feeling alone and unwanted.

I want my Goddess to place someone in my life that adds to it, not someone I rely solely upon. But again, I know that I have to find peace within in order to for all the pieces to fall into place. So, until then, I will try my best to love myself and fix the aspects of my life that I can.

Day 15:

How do you deal with criticism?

It truly depends on whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. If I am in a work or school setting and someone is correcting something that I've done or giving helpful tips, I appreciate it to my core. And that is because I am a firm believer in always learning and if I am doing something wrong, I will never know until someone comes along to help. In essence, I welcome constructive criticism when it comes from a good place.

On the other side of that coin, there is destructive criticism which I will cry in private about later. These are instances when someone will acknowledge something I am self-conscious about in a negative way. Not to sound like a broken record but I am bigger and overall I am considered fat, so when someone criticizes me based on size, food, looks, etc. it truly does hurt. I will act like it does not bother me but deep down it shatters me. I am trying to hard to find self-love and to love the body that I am in and all it takes is a couple words to set back that progress.

Day 12:

How do you feel about “love”?

Based on the toxic loveless marriage my parents had while I was growing up, I am very cynical when it comes to love. I believe that love might exist but it will never be the fairytale love that I have dreamed about since I was a child. I used to dream of finding someone who made me feel protected, wanted, and safe. But where I am now in life, I do not believe that that kind of love could exist.

But I wish it were different. I wish I was quick to fall in love and that I could see a future with someone but at the rate that I am going, I think that I will never find that person. There is still an inkling of hope that I will always have but I am more realistic when it comes to love.

I always say that I never want kids but that is not true. Somedays I want to be a mother so bad but I know that I will never be able to do it on my own. And I refuse to bring children into this world if they are forced to grow up in the same conditions that I did. I refuse to have kids with someone who will not take responsibility. I refuse to be with someone who was just like my father.

So, for now, I will continue protecting my peace until someone comes along who can change my mind.

Why am I injured?

I’m not physically injured which I think makes me feel all the worse about myself. I am able bodied while people are struggling yet I can’t seem to heal from the wounds I’ve received growing up. I’m an adult and I can’t get over everything that I’ve been through. I don’t know how to heal. I’m afraid that I’ll be like this forever.

Forever closing myself off to opportunities and people because I’m scared of opening old wounds. I’m turning out just like my parents and I hate that about myself. I wanted so much more from my life but i genuinely feel like I’m cursed or making up for some kind of past karmic bullshit from a previous life.

Every time life is good and I’m in a good headspace, things go crashing down and get 10x’s worse. I feel like I’m caught out in a storm and I keep getting pushed out to see. I’m so tired all the time and I don’t know how much longer I can keep swimming. Some days I just want to sink and let it be done with. Have my next self deal wihth whatever karmic justice they need to make up for because it’s too much for me in this life.

Day 14:

What do you minimize about yourself? What do you flaunt?

Since I am fatter than most people, I try to minimize myself in several ways. I try not to take up too much space but always end up failing. When I am on a plane, I will make myself uncomfortable by squeezing my arms in so that I do not touch the person next to me. Id I am in a car, I will do the same but scooch as close to the door as possible. If I am in a crowded place, in an elevator, on the sidewalk, etc.

It is so subconscious at this point that I do not realize even doing it. It truly was not until this question that I realized I was making myself uncomfortable so that my bigness would not offend or bother anyone around me.

What I flaunt is more of a difficult question because it is so much easier to think of the negative than the positive. But I think that I am at a place in my life where I will proudly (kinda but I'll explain later) flaunt my height. I love wearing heels and I love going out and peering over a group because with heels I am about 6 feet tall. BUt the only time I feel self-conscious about my height is when a guy I am talking to is shorter than me in heels. And I KNOW that I shouldn't care but it is still a stigma that has stuck to me that will take some time to unlearn.

Day 10:

What do you need to let go of?

I need to let go of the trauma my parents put me through. I need to let go of everything that happened to me growing up and instead become a better person because of it. I need to stop swearing off people, things, and opportunities because I am terrified of ending up like my parents.

My mom and dad were so toxic together that I used to hope that they would divorce but they "stayed together for the kids." But that is bullshit, they stayed together because it was easier and because they were selfish. And I look back and I refuse to ever go through that and because I am holding onto that I have been so scared to love that I have closed off completely. I think that I am unlovable.

I know that it is all in my head but there are so many years of watching my parents hate each other, makeup, abuse each other, dance, drink, and smoke themselves to death, and the cycle would just continue.

I do not want to fall into that cycle but I fear that I have created a whole new toxic cycle instead.