Are We All Just Pullin' You Down? [x]

Day 6:

What irrational fears do you have and how do they hold you back?

One of my most irrational fears is that I am afraid to do things on my own. I know that I have mentioned this already but I am so scared to get out and be my own person that I self-sabotage every chance I get. I have been alone most of my life and I am scared that I am going to die alone. All I want and all I have ever wanted was to find someone to complete me and someone I can do things with. And I know that I should be happy on my own and that my self-worth should not rely on someone else but I am tired of feeling alone and unwanted.

I want my Goddess to place someone in my life that adds to it, not someone I rely solely upon. But again, I know that I have to find peace within in order to for all the pieces to fall into place. So, until then, I will try my best to love myself and fix the aspects of my life that I can.

How do I honestly believe I am?

I’d like to think I’m better. I’m not great, I’m not thriving, I’m not the happiest I’ve ever been, but I’m better than I was just a couple months ago. And that’s honestly how I’ll continue to live the rest of my life. As long as I’m better than I was yesterday or even last week, I’ll be content. I think I’m finally getting to a positive place where negative thoughts aren’t invading my mind 24/7. It’s been hard not to immediately start blaming everyone else, God, or even the universe for my problems but I’ve been trying my best. AND! I love myself so wholeheartedly now that I feel like that has attributed to my mindset now. I’ve stopped hating what I see when I look in the mirror and just started noticing that I am SO HOT and that I am lucky to be here.

Yes, I have trauma to still work through and I know I’ll have to work on myself for the rest of my life but it no longer feels like a chore. Instead, I feel grateful to be here and grateful to have experienced everything thus far.

How lucky I am that I still have opportunities to experience life and grow from my past.

What are my red flags and green flags?

Let’s start with the positives, my green flags. I might sound like a broken record but I have so much love to give and it shows everyday. I am always thinking of everyone else around me in little ways. Someone needs to vent? I’m there to listen. Oh, something of yours is broken? Come use it at my place to make your life easier. I’m out at the store and something reminds me of you, I’ll get it because I know it’ll make you happy. Have you eaten today? Let me stop and get you something. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I like to think the best of people. I know it’s coming off like I’m a people pleaser (obviously I want people to like me) but I just want to make sure everyone around me is taken care of.

Now, some of my red flags are that I value my pride and bottle up my emotions tight. I know that is a learned behavior from watching my parents interact with each other and that I am more like them than I care to admit. Since I love so deeply, once someone fucks me over, they’re dead to me. And I know that’s not healthy and I’m working on it but that’s how I’ve always been. The thought of being made to look stupid after I have done so much for a person is my biggest fear. And if that ever does happen, I probably won’t even address how that made me feel, I’ll just bottle up my emotions and keep it moving. Again, I feel like it correlate with being embarrassed because what if they don’t care what I have to say? What if it was all a game to begin with? While there could be some truth to that, I know that’s my brain self-sabotaging me too. In my heart I know that I should address the person if I ever feel wronged in some way because there might be a chance to fix the things that bother me. Or even if it’s just to get things off my chest in the moment to avoid the pain of it hurting me in random moments later in the future. I know this is something I have to unlearn too and I am trying to do better but it hasn’t been something that I’ve felt comfortable doing. I’m going to start small and go from there.

Day 13:

Why do you think you don’t deserve love?

This question hit me so hard because this exact question crosses my mind every day. I feel like I have received the short end of the stick in this life and that love comes with terms and conditions. I feel like I have so much love bursting from inside of me and it has nowhere to go and it is eating me up from the inside.

But, at the end of the day, I feel like I do not deserve love because of how I look. I feel like I will never get the love I deserve because I do not love myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror out of spite because I do not like what is looking back. I wish more than anything that I could look like everyone else. I wish I were thinner and my arms weren't so huge.

I know that if I had the ideal body type, I wouldn't have to beg guys for attention. I know that if I were more appealing to look at I would be happy in love, ya'know?

But I also know that this is not true. I know that I have spent so long hating myself that it will take a lifetime to unlearn the negative self-talk and quiet my demons. Because if I continue thinking of myself this way, I know that that is how the universe will perceive me.

Day 11:

What should you attract into your life?

I want to attract more positivity into my life. I myself want to be more positive about myself, my situation, and my life but I also want my surroundings to radiate positivity as well. I do not want to be surrounded by people who dwell in negativity because that will seep into my life. I already feel like I have something attached to me that bleeds me dry most days and surrounding myself by someone who digs that wound deeper is not what I need during this time.

And while I want to eliminate the negativity altogether, unfortunately, I am in a situation that leaves little room for positivity. I know that I should not be putting this into the universe but like I said, I feel like there is some sort of cosmic vengeance that hangs over me 24/7. It is a cruel joke most days if I am being honest, for everything to be going great and then have it all come crumbling down tenfold.

At some point, I think I want to perform a return-to-sender ritual because someone has to be wishing ill upon our whole family. There is just no way that we all have been dealt the nastiest cards if someone was not putting it into the universe.

I have prayed so loud my voice is hoarse

I wonder if He heard?

Does He know that the louder I scream

The more I retreat?

Where do my words go when I

Beg Him for help?

The last time I spoke

I whispered

and he disappeared.

Day 15:

How do you deal with criticism?

It truly depends on whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. If I am in a work or school setting and someone is correcting something that I've done or giving helpful tips, I appreciate it to my core. And that is because I am a firm believer in always learning and if I am doing something wrong, I will never know until someone comes along to help. In essence, I welcome constructive criticism when it comes from a good place.

On the other side of that coin, there is destructive criticism which I will cry in private about later. These are instances when someone will acknowledge something I am self-conscious about in a negative way. Not to sound like a broken record but I am bigger and overall I am considered fat, so when someone criticizes me based on size, food, looks, etc. it truly does hurt. I will act like it does not bother me but deep down it shatters me. I am trying to hard to find self-love and to love the body that I am in and all it takes is a couple words to set back that progress.

Am I hiding something from myself?

One of the main things I’m hiding from myself is how badly I want to be loved and to find a man to spend the rest of my life with. I joke around and say that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life but I yearn for someone to love me wholeheartedly. And don’t say that I shouldn’t rely on someone else to feel love and that I should love myself because I do!! I love myself so much!! But what is it wrong with me that people don’t want to be with me romantically? I want to be a mother, I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, I want someone to do life with.

But I don’t want any of that with the wrong person. I refuse to subject a child to the same life I had to grow up in. So as bad as I may want it, I can wait for my time a little bit longer; I’ve already waited this long.

I believe that the universe truly has something beautiful waiting for me and I look forward to the day that it’s finally my turn. Until then, I’ll continue to hide my urge to be loved behind jokes.

“They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.” - Edward Bloom

Big Fish (2003)

“It was one of the best days of my life, a day during which I lived my life and didn’t think about my life at all.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close