“They Say When You Meet The Love Of Your Life, Time Stops, And That's True. What They Don't Tell You

Write an apology letter to yourself.

Dear Me,

I am sorry for what you have been through. I am sorry for the pain that you have had to endure. I am sorry that life has dulled your spark.

But most of all, I am sorry for how long it has taken me to forgive myself. I have been so hard on myself and for what? I mean, look at me! Despite it all, I am still here.

You joke about your trauma to make it easier but it is still trauma. Be kind to yourself and let everything fall in to place. You are a survivor who is trying their best despite the odds they have been given. It is time to be soft and delicate and to stop scrapping with life.

You are made of gold and diamonds and you are not glass. You might fall under pressure but you always rise to the challenge.

Do not let this world continue to ruin your beautiful heart. You love so wholeheartedly and I am so proud of that despite everything we have been through. Despite everything you have witnessed growing up.

We got this and I forgive me for using my past as an excuse at every step in my life. It is time to grow up and realize that yes, you have been dealt shitty cards but it will not always be that way. Start a new game or fold and move on but do not let it continue to drag you down. Stop being weighed down by the past.

Your dad was an angry man who you have let affect you all your life but he is dead now and you are here. Your mom is an alcoholic who regrets so many of her choices but she is not you. I am made of both of my parents but I do not have to be like them. I am so much better than them.

Learn and move on but stop making excuses.

Love,

Me.

Johann Peter Hasenclever (1810-1853) - Young woman at the open window looking at the full moon

Oil on canvas. Painted in 1840.

13.8 x 12 inches, 35 x 30.5 cm. Estimate: €8,000-12,000.

Sold Neumeister, Munich, 29 June 2023 for €20,800 incl B.P.

pie pngs ♡

Rainy day in Kyoto

How is it that something I only started for a couple days, I could forget so easily? Welp, looks like it is time to get back on track.

Day 12:

How do you feel about “love”?

Based on the toxic loveless marriage my parents had while I was growing up, I am very cynical when it comes to love. I believe that love might exist but it will never be the fairytale love that I have dreamed about since I was a child. I used to dream of finding someone who made me feel protected, wanted, and safe. But where I am now in life, I do not believe that that kind of love could exist.

But I wish it were different. I wish I was quick to fall in love and that I could see a future with someone but at the rate that I am going, I think that I will never find that person. There is still an inkling of hope that I will always have but I am more realistic when it comes to love.

I always say that I never want kids but that is not true. Somedays I want to be a mother so bad but I know that I will never be able to do it on my own. And I refuse to bring children into this world if they are forced to grow up in the same conditions that I did. I refuse to have kids with someone who will not take responsibility. I refuse to be with someone who was just like my father.

So, for now, I will continue protecting my peace until someone comes along who can change my mind.

Day 11:

What should you attract into your life?

I want to attract more positivity into my life. I myself want to be more positive about myself, my situation, and my life but I also want my surroundings to radiate positivity as well. I do not want to be surrounded by people who dwell in negativity because that will seep into my life. I already feel like I have something attached to me that bleeds me dry most days and surrounding myself by someone who digs that wound deeper is not what I need during this time.

And while I want to eliminate the negativity altogether, unfortunately, I am in a situation that leaves little room for positivity. I know that I should not be putting this into the universe but like I said, I feel like there is some sort of cosmic vengeance that hangs over me 24/7. It is a cruel joke most days if I am being honest, for everything to be going great and then have it all come crumbling down tenfold.

At some point, I think I want to perform a return-to-sender ritual because someone has to be wishing ill upon our whole family. There is just no way that we all have been dealt the nastiest cards if someone was not putting it into the universe.

Are we all just pullin' you down? [x]

Have I ever mentioned how strained my relationship with God was growing up? Because from a young age, I was afraid of Him but also taught to love him. I was taught to depend on Him and to pray for forgiveness, for the most minuscule things imaginable. That never quite sat right with me but He had been a part of my life so long I just could not let Him go. But there came a point where I felt like I was talking but no one was around to hear it.

I was hollow inside and tired of being ignored. Why is it that I have spent my whole life begging for help and being left to fend for myself? It sucks but I never felt His presence, I felt His absence.

So one day, I got fed up and decided that I wanted to pray to someone who I knew would listen, someone who I knew would not judge, someone I knew would not require blind servitude, and someone I knew I would never have to beg for forgiveness. How did I know all of this? Because I conjured her up.

I imagined all of the things my Goddess would have and Fida is the first thing that came to mind. She is radiant, powerful, and understanding, and asks for very little in return. I do not need to revolve my whole life around Her because I know She is in my heart. Call me crazy or delusional but since I found my own personal Goddess, things have been looking up.

I pray to Her and I know She is lying down kicking her feet, listening to my every word, and Her presence is all the comfort I need. She is a girl's girl and I know She is looking out for me. But being a girl's girl, I know that she loves cute little trinkets and gifts, so I make sure to thank Her for being a part of my life.