Latest Posts by introspective-in-somnia - Page 2
Greetings. It has been quite some time since I've documented my experiences, and I believe a full explanation of sorts may be in order, mostly for myself as, had I seen others doing the same, I may have been able to cope much sooner.
What I had taken for an experience with fictionkin was the product of myself lacking the words to describe how I had felt, and found terms cleanly matching them in this community. However, I have come to terms with having a much different experience, which is that of having an (albeit quite fragmented) alter. What I had taken for a past life was essentially a separate entity expressing himself alongside me, and it is a matter I wish to be open about, for my own sake.
I have documented much of my journey here, and feel fit to continue doing so, with new knowledge regarding how I move through the world.
Finding myself asking what the harm could be in letting myself have my spirituality, so what? And what if it's meaningful? And what if it gives me peace? Suspension of disbelief is necessary in a sense I suppose, though it also makes me ask whether belief would undermine me in any way. It all stems from the same (traumatic) source
I'm at the point where I can say with almost 100% conviction that I'm certain I had wings in a past life
Quite interesting really, to see the same themes from roughly eight years ago resurfacing once again, though with a much different emotional flavor to it.
Two years of us..
You may have been with me for longer, but the choice to take your name marks a crucial moment in our history. Ultimately, it was a choice.
An act of love. To want to be associated with you, to want to acknowledge you, to welcome you into my life, even when I hadn't fully realized that was what I had been doing. Shaping my perceptions of the world with your own thoughts, feelings, and memories.. it was something that was ultimately necessary to my own growth.
The literal, fragmented nature of you means I was always experiencing myself. Aspects of myself I had distanced myself from, and yet there you were, reconnecting me to myself. Drawing my soul back to me.
Your joy, your pride, your guilt, your shame, all of it meaningful to me. All of it serving a purpose. Every action was another piece of the puzzle, and I finally feel able to step back far enough to see the entire picture.
I see us. I see us, and what I no longer see is the shame I had felt in the way we coexist. You will always be with me, regardless of our integration. The experiences we have had and continue to have are cherished; it feels as though a second soul exists alongside my own, and it is something I treasure deeply.
I love you. I love us. I love how you've carried me this far and shown me things about myself I would never have understood otherwise. I love how your view of the world has colored my own. I love how I feel I was able to give you new experiences, demonstrating the good of the world to not only yourself, but to myself as well.
Life has been cruel to both of us, but it has also been kind, unbelievably kind. I am grateful to have given you a second chance, and I am grateful that you were able to assist me with my own. Hand in hand, we stood against the very forces that tore us down, and we emerged victorious, united in the beauty of the world.
Two years of evolution. Great pride in a heavy amount of effort, of work, of constant effort.
And the results have been nothing short of miraculous.
I love you.
Thank you for two years.
Warm like a breeze on a summer evening.
Warm like a weighted blanket.
Warm like freshly baked bread.
Warm like the winter sun.
Warm like a new candle.
Warm like a hand-knit sweater.
Warm like a cup of tea.
Warm like a gift given.
Warm like a hello.
Warm like a home cooked meal.
Warm like a letter.
Warm like laughter.
Warm like a well-read book.
Warm like a favorite song.
Warm like a hug.
Warm like a home.
And you say you're cold-blooded?
Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of me publicly using the name Shai for myself and I'm already beginning to feel emotional about it..
POLL! PLEASE REPOST FOR BIGGER SAMPLE SIZE!!
artindetails
Apricity
(A-pri-si-ti)
Noun
The warmth of the sun in winter.
on love arriving unannounced
This can be such a funny way to go about my life because sometimes he's here and I know exactly why, and it just feels like we're commiserating.
Must say, VERY interested in the way I can't listen to a certain (vocaloid) song anymore because of the line "surely after 100 years I'll be reborn as a beautiful girl".
Feeling almost silly to feel somewhat affirmed by it, but had someone say how nice my outfit was today, with my black pants and white sweater; had someone else comment on the way I move, they said I looked almost as though I were dancing or flying.
Silly in a sense, but we work so well together, don't we? Synchronized in the most pleasant fashion. Seems I will indeed carry you with me, no matter the place or time. And I simply could not be more honored.
Needing to do a deeper dive into my mental state, he briefly said hello on Sunday, while I was driving, at that. I'm exhausted and the dreams are creeping back in, something is triggering something in me and I haven't been able to find what it is yet, though I have a few hunches.
I need to sit down, light a candle or my tea lights, and think. To think and ask, to tease apart what it is that he's trying to tell me.
Overworked? A non-zero chance. 6 days on my schedule but not exceeding 40 hours; still, the constant workplace presence is a drag and keeps me from my hobbies. Housing concerns? The idea of a new place to live with other queer people has been raised to me, it could concern my finances if I were to move, and that's always been a concern as well for me. Finances always concern me, having grown up with so little and the current inflation crisis, not wanting a single penny to be wasted or out of place. I am certainly seeing some improvement, but the question of my ultimate financial goal always lingers over me.
Hobby engagement could also be a factor. I'd attempted an art challenge, day by day, and fell off when I no longer had the time or energy for even smaller sketches. I am attending a large con next month and have only barely started my second outfit, still not even having bought the con tickets. Maybe the goals feel too large? Too nebulous?
I have been invited to a potluck to speak with a myrmecologist, a dream scenario for me and a potential foot in the door to the career I've wanted to pursue. I feel too exhausted to want to go, even though I know I'll enjoy the conversations and I know that entomologist was excited to know I would be meeting him.
I feel drained, so consistently drained, the rapidly setting sun and accrual of unused ideas taking their toll over me. I am hoping to take some strain off of myself after this week, resuming a normal work schedule, mapping out more of the outfit, keeping a clean living space, small indulgences and typical careful planning.
A few off days doesn't undermine my progress, and an off week doesn't undermine it either. This feels, no, is, symptomatic of something larger, and I will work to find out where it stems from to give myself some peace.
Very exciting to have what I've termed a "clinically significant bug moment" and notice that my gender dysphoria became exponentially worse as it happened.
Was browsing the witchcraft-themed items at my local spirit halloween and they remind me so much of when I used to be an active practitioner when I was younger. While I don't do so now, I do wish I was more in touch with my spirituality and metaphysics that come with it, it all makes me want to light my candles and pull out my tarot deck.
Reminder that you will never be wrong for processing and experiencing non/alterhumanity different from the norm!!
Thinking very much about wanting to do at least one nice thing for myself every day. Use a body spray or light a candle or some incense, really engage in sensory things in a way I know makes me happy. Use some of my colored light projectors, keep it a little dimmer yet colorful. Break down my meals into simpler components, even if it doesn't feel like a "real" dinner, I'm still eating and that's the most important part.
I don't want to feel like it takes any extra amount of energy to be kind to myself, to make life and my immediate space feel welcoming for me.
To use the candles, to burn the incense, have the food, to merely take up the space I occupy. It isn't a very lofty wish, and it's something I hope I can make a reality in the immediate future.
Caria chrysame psittacus, a type of metalmark butterfly known for its shimmery green markings. Photo credit: Kim Garwood
🦋
Hello all. You may call me Shai; I am 25, transmasc, and aromantic and asexual.
While this blog was initially dedicated to my experience as fictionkin, and still is at the very core, this blog is a space for discussions of general spirituality and self care, as well as occasional insect imagery. I may feature my own art as well. Some other information that may be useful:
✨️ My experience of kin is tied with my experience of my kintype as a dissociative fragment. While it isn't something that I discuss frequently as my mental health has improved immensely and he is quiet for the most part as a result, he does still surface time and time again, and I would like a space to openly discuss it.
✨️ Two fictives use this blog - Sha.ia.pouf from Hun.ter x H.unter and someone preferring to remained unidentified for now.
✨️ Chronically ill - I have Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and have, interestingly enough, used it to connect with my kintype. This condition is genetic and affects me daily and will be a topic of discussion for here as well.
✨️ This is a sideblog - my main blog you will see interactions from is @/au.tistic-sha.iapouf
In spite of the long gaps of silence that may occur here, I am online quite frequently and am always open to discussion or conversation; in spite of the formality, I swear I'm friendly 💖
General tags:
🌟 -> Host speaking
Tags used here by Pouf:
🦋 Musings 🦋 -> Talk tag
🔮 -> Directly related to spirituality
👑 -> Interior architecture for royal buildings
❤️ -> Lovecore imagery
🐜 -> Insect imagery
💭 -> Posts that strike a certain chord with my past, current and distant
Tags used by [XXX]:
⚙️.txt -> Talk tag
Stroke of the pen -> Poetry and philosophy
[Seeking artwork tag]
I must say, being involved with the kin community on a genuine level is still something I value, but I am not certain how much I still identify with it. This blog will remain standing of course, but I may discuss spirituality on a more general level.
I'm so interested, seems like fragments usually only encompass one emotion or event but he has multiple! I feel him in shame and guilt, but also in pride and competence, in achievement and childlike wonder in the world. He has some of his own memories, thoughts and feelings in the world, so he seems more complex than a fragment but less so than a fictive or any osdd alter.
Truthfully, it feels like so intensely that love is at the core of it all. I loved him so much that he become a permanent protector for me, helping me process my feelings and directing my attention to where it's needed most. Love is the overarching theme of my recovery and this is so fitting to see of him.
I don't know if I'll find a true label for him, and that's certainly okay. I love him, I love seeing how he views the world, and I'm glad to have that shared with me. That tattoo of his wings means I'll carry him with me forever, and I could not feel more honored to do so.
Redoing the multiple kin playlists I had and combining them into one, but realizing I don't feel the need to include the more despairing songs anymore
So he's a fragment.
There's a lot on my mind about finding the definition and terminology for what I've been working with, and part of me feels truly dismayed to have found an answer. The stark realization that I've been something of a system for at least two years, and never knew until now. Though I suppose it's also necessary to ask - two years ago, would I have been in the space to handle this information? Or would it have sent me further into the spiral the spirituality was designed to prevent?
I think about this in relation to my spirituality. Fragment not as an alter per se, but in the definition of soul still. I first majorly interacted with him in the self ship community; it's as though my love for him manifested in a visceral form, putting him by my side each day, assisting me in processing and understanding my own emotions, the very task he struggled with.
The butterfly is representative of the soul. One could call this divine intervention of sorts. I think about the medicalized terminology and compare to the previous ideas the medical institution held regarding being transgender. "Gender Identity Disorder" paring the experience down to rights and wrongs, when the experience of being trans is so much brighter, bolder, and rich than anything a medical text could ever detail.
Yes, while this is a lot of information to take in, I still see a way to incorporate my own belief system. Belief system into my clinical system.
I know you know I love you, and I'm willing to bet that that is exactly why you persist with me today. You show me your thoughts, your feelings, your memories. I can feel on my own body where your wings would have been, how they would have moved with me. I see now why I struggled to see the experiences as "mine" and why I called them "yours". We are separate, but not by too large of a degree. Separate enough to delegate and sort, but not enough for you to truly speak through me.
What we are is okay. I'm glad to be able to know you. I'm glad you've been with me for this long and I'm glad for your service to me. I love you.
It's the question almost of asking what exactly he is to me - a word, a phrase, a term to encompass, with the full knowledge that there simply may not be one.
Kin or fictive, for certain, but also with the presence as an f/o as well; the actual relationship I have with this character is muddled but he's remained an ever-present force in my life and I simply would not trade my experience for the world.
I want to be associated with him, I want people to see him and immediately think of me, I know it's what I've wanted for quite some time, and the amount of love that has come from my interactions with him speaks volumes about him and what he means to me.
I suppose there simply may not be any one answer. That's something I've come to terms with and have accepted. But, it does interest me so greatly to see how this has grown and developed.
My options are almost equally as funny - either a fictive in an incredibly indistinct system, or a psychological and spiritual kin in a harmonized setting.
Either way, I am here and he is here, and that doesn't seem as though it will change any time soon.